Humor: The Hall Pass Debacle

By Noah Corman The administration is under scrutiny for its prioritizing of important school issues. Of late, the school has focused its attention on misplaced and stolen hall passes while other school matters—such as academics—have taken a back seat. “My AP World class has a long-term substitute, and we’re worried we won’t be learning enough to be prepared for the … Read More

Humor: Olney and Brookeville Start World War 3

by Jared Schwartz ‘18 An international crisis has recently developed over escalating tensions between the towns of Olney and Brookeville. Many Brookevillians are calling for autonomy from Olney’s tyranny. It remains unclear how Olney in any way has control over Brookeville, as Olney is an unincorporated town with no formal government. Still, Brookeville’s three town commissioners have voted to unilaterally … Read More

Humor: Communism Is Cool Again

by Noah Corman ‘19 Increasing numbers of Americans’ political leanings have shifted towards communism. Drawn in by a link titled, “What economic system are you?” test-takers nearly crashed BuzzFeed’s servers with their eagerness and political curiosity. The single-question test asked people whether they enjoy free stuff. After confirming everyone’s love for complimentary items, BuzzFeed’s complicated algorithm identified the vast majority … Read More

Humor: Vine’s Legacy Continues To Live on after Death

by Lucy Kuchma ‘18 It’s been almost a year since Vine was officially shut down, but the true Vine-lovers out there have not failed to keep its legacy alive. When Vine first announced it would be ending, it was stated that the company would keep the website around so that, although new Vines wouldn’t be created, people could continue to … Read More

Humor: Locals Worry That Olney Is Becoming Too Gentrified

by Josh Averbach ‘18 and Lexi Matthews ‘18 Olney has welcomed a score of new businesses to bolster the booming metropolis. One developer called the new Olney “an oasis in the desert that is Northeastern Montgomery County.” While many are excited to see their doors open, some worry that the Washington suburb may be losing touch with its roots. “I’m … Read More

White House Staff Reports Trump Secretly Likes Kim Jong-un

by Frank Platko ’18 For all Trump’s threats of “Fire and Fury,” signs are emerging that an unexpected bromance is forming between Kim Jong-un and Donald Trump, who Kim once called a “dotard.” “Behind the scenes, Trump sings a much different tune on North Korea,” said an anonymous White House source. “He very much admires some of Kim Jong-un’s qualities … Read More

MCPS Implements New English Class

by Jared Schwartz ’18 In order to maintain its position as an elite school district, MCPS is adapting to today’s electronic age. Inspired by groundbreaking novels such as “Emoji Pride and Prejudice: Epic Tales in Tiny Texts”; and “YOLO Juliet,” MCPS will be offering electronic literature or e-lit beginning next school year. “I hope the class is as lit as … Read More

Students Kneel During ‘Warrior Wake Up Live’ To Protest Tyrannical Administration

by Josh Averbach ’18 and Lucy Kuchma ’18 Following a number of controversial decisions by Sherwood’s administration, many students have begun kneeling during the daily broadcast of “Warrior Wakeup Live” to protest policies that one participant described as “tyranny.” The movement was started by a small group of clubs and teams, such as the Jewish Student Union, Debate Team, and … Read More

Letter to the Editor

submitted to Jared Schwartz ‘18 Dear Warrior Staff, As a long-time reader of your esteemed newspaper, I am extremely concerned with your paper’s stance on global warming. With the closing of the winter months, many people, including scientists, have expressed the false belief that global warming has somehow caused this winter to be unusually warm. In fact, they seem to believe … Read More

Sherwood Travel Ban Draws Controversy

by Josh Averbach ‘18 In response to concerns about school security, Sherwood’s administration has implemented a temporary “travel ban” on students from Blake, Quince Orchard, Walter Johnson, and Paint Branch from entering school premises for any reason. The administration has determined that unsavory elements within these schools may present a risk to Sherwood’s security. This means that the barred schools’ … Read More