HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Ben Schoenberg ‘24
Thy dearest majesty, I might not but writeth to thee in the midst of extreme prosecution and turmoil. As thou art well acknown, mine own recent acquisition of the Twitt’r kingdom hast hath brought about a new ‘ra wh’re comedy and free speech shalt ranketh supreme. Yond is wherefore i requesteth f’r m’re of thy most hardc’re and fearless knights to taketh parteth in our war ‘gainst tyranny.
Despite mine own cleareth square f’r freedom, i visage stout opposition from those claiming yond I am wasting millions to did spread “hate. ” I did free honest men from exile such as the bard, ye, West, ‘r the fallen rul’r, Donald trump. This hast only did prove mine own hard stance as a free speech absolutist, something yond shouldst beest did praise by the am’rican public.
Und’r mine own ruleth, i has’t given people the pow’r by letting those folk sayeth whatev’r those gents wanteth. To holp p’rsuade those folk to joineth mine own crusade ‘gainst the auth’ritarian hath left I has’t given peasants the ability to wield a title yond proclaims their pow’r. By paying only a bawbling fee of 8 shillings a month, peasants shall taketh a high ranketh in mine own army and a blue checkmark on their chainmail. This shall giveth those folk the ability to standeth out amongst unloyal peasants and putteth a spotlight on their intelligent well-inf’rm’d opinions.
With these opinions, those gents can square side by side with me. As those gents sayeth, a tweet is mighti’r than a sw’rd. But this is wh’re mine own hardships cometh in. Despite me making comedy legal once again, imp’rsonat’rs who is’t dareth to presenteth themselves as me has’t begun showing up, thwarting mine own eff’rts in hurlyburly. These imp’rsonat’rs has’t wreak’d chaos across the lands, spreading lies in an eff’rt to besmirch mine own impeccable nameth and the nameth of many closeth allies who is’t chooseth to standeth by mine own side. In mine own owneth kingdom, those gents shareth mine own nameth and mine own blue checketh marketh but spew tush tush by declaring things liketh “i drinketh mine own owneth urine” and yond tesla “uses child lab’r,” things yond art clearly not true. Tesla wouldst nev’r forswear to our custom’rs, we off’r only the finest products yond art at each moment flawless.
Yond is wherefore I am once again asking f’r thy financial aid so yond I can continueth to maketh Twitt’r the most accurate source of inf’rmation in the w’rld. Many of mine own soldi’rs in the kingdom has’t hadst to visage execution because those gents has’t not been hard-c’re enow f’r what mine own people and I art trying to doth, meaning mine own army is but soft dwindling. In response, many outside kingdoms has’t cutteth off mine own funding and I may ‘r may not beest losing shillings by the second. So if ‘t be true thee couldst prithee just holp me out fath’r, I wouldst very much appreciateth thy assistance.
Sinc’rly, Elon Musk