(not) exactly news: June 2022

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

Forever 21 Is Actually Closing For Real This Time–No Guys I’m Serious

Tens of thousands of teens across the nation were left shell-shocked and stunned after Forever 21, which has been having closing sales for the last five years, announced that it was actually closing for real this time. The brand which has lined the closets of so many fashion-forward American teenagers with slightly out-of-style couture is finally disappearing, leaving a void which can never be filled. “Where else will I ever find a perfectly good shirt ruined by the embroidery of the words Hot Cheetos or Slay Gurl in an obnoxiously obvious location on it?” lamented one bereaved shopper. “Am I just supposed to wear clothes that are actually cute now? What about the tacky sequin tank tops or the magenta track pants?” Forever 21 representatives have announced that the stores will, however, not be closing for a few more months, giving the mall fashion industry time to recover from this damaging blow.

My Chemical Romance Fans Let Down Their Faves Are Normal Now

At 6PM EST on Friday the thirteenth, My Chemical Romance fans received the shock of their life as the news broke that for the first time in almost a decade, the disbanded group had dropped a new song. As MCR tours the world, fans are going rabid over the six-minute “The Foundations of Decay.” However, many fans are very disappointed at the news that the four-member group is startlingly normal and seemingly well-adjusted now. In their 40s, the group posed for a publicity photo in tees and jeans, no eyeliner, crusted blood, or leather jackets to be seen. “I dunno,” Twitter user Frankyxxx13_Death complained. “What’s the point of idolizing a group that’s no longer addicted to drugs, alcoholism, wearing leather and skulls, and promoting a strangely homosexual lifestyle?” Many fans are boycotting the concerts, citing their deep sadness that the band is now choosing mental and physical wellness as well as acting as responsible role models for their young adult and teenage fanbase.

Stressed Teenagers Microdose on Microwave Radiation

As summer approaches, stressed juniors are turning to new coping mechanisms as they start the tedious process of filling out college applications and the horrible waiting period as they await acceptance to the mediocre state schools of their dreams. One easily accessible stress-reliever for many anxious teenagers, bypassing more obvious methods, is simply opening the microwave door before the countdown has stopped, bathing one in a wave of highly concentrated radiation, sure to increase your chances of getting cancer by 0.00001 percent each time. “It’s very relaxing,” one unnamed Sherwood student explained. “I find that the wave of radiation entering my bones, plus the excitement of knowing my microwave taquitos are just 2 seconds underdone, really soothes me as I procrastinate on my Common App essay for yet another hour.” Studies have shown that students who microdose on microwave radiation are far more likely to be calm, less prone to emotional breakdowns, and much more likely to get yelled at by parents who were raised in the golden age of “MICROWAVES CAUSE CANCER!”

CIA Employees Horrified They Can’t Ruin Any Third World Countries

As war rages in Ukraine, the CIA has come to a startling realization that right now, if all available resources are devoted to stopping Russian belligerence, they simply don’t have the manpower to topple any more already fragile third world country governments. “For some of us, that was the only fun we ever had,” CIA director William Burns admitted, choking back tears. “Get in there, shoot whoever’s in charge, and watch the mass panicking as the economy crumbles. Now what are we supposed to do to relax?” Now limited to messing with Cuban tourism and paying off useless spy assets around the world, the CIA finds its internal structure in shambles. Bored employees are pushing back, complaining that waterboarding terror suspects has lost its luster now that the United States has abandoned Afghanistan. At press time CIA agents were caught poring over maps of rural South Asian principalities and identifying key infrastructural weaknesses in a frothing fit of withdrawal symptoms.