(not) exactly news: November 2022

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

Junior Noticeably Frustrated That Their Mental Health Is Improving

An anonymous Sherwood junior has recently been incredulous and irritated at the fact that taking walks, not scrolling on their phone for 10 hours a day, and actually cleaning their depression room has actively improved their mental state. “It’s annoying, not because I don’t like getting better, but I hate the fact that every single trusted individual in my life has given me this advice and now I’m proving them right. It makes me want to—.” Visibly frustrated, the student immediately pulled out their phone and started listening to “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. (An effort, no doubt, to correlate negative emotions with one of the worst pop songs ever made for a self-Pavloving result.)

“Anyhow, my grades have been improving, I feel happier and more fulfilled, and some days I actually think optimistically about the sixty years of slaving away under capitalism I have ahead of me,” reported the junior. Further questions proved that no, the SSRIs prescribed had nothing to do with this, and the recent interest in the gym was unrelated to the extremely attractive OneLife instructors.

Seniors Wish Parents Had Forced Them To Do Sports Or Something

As the deadline for college applications races closer, seniors at Sherwood are becoming increasingly concerned for the state of their extracurricular activities. Status: little to none. With the student athletes at leisure, basking in their vocal commitments and shiny Instagram posts, the plebeians have plenty of time to panic over the deplorable lack of volunteer work, charity efforts, and leadership skills displayed in their applications.

“At Good Counsel, they send them to Africa to build houses,” one senior complained, not wanting to give their name in case they sounded callous about others’ suffering. “Here, we just try not to make eye contact with the homeless people on the median of 108. I haven’t even, like spent 8 years of my life playing the violin!” This terrible consequence of impending college rejections can be directly attributed to every single parent who didn’t force their children to play piano/tennis/shuffleboard for ten years.
Now what are these seniors supposed to do? Make up fake clubs that they created? It’s true, Sherwood parents have a lot to learn, and a lot more guilt-tripping to do so the future generations can get both the extracurricular and a free Common App essay on trauma in a two-for-one deal. Thanks a lot, Mom and Dad!

England’s First POC Prime Minister Offers Uniqueness and Diversity

After the lettuce won against the disgraced Liz Truss (Yet another woman in office screwing everything up!) England replaced her with Rishi Sunak, the hardworking yet humble son of immigrant parents. Only 42 years old, he and his wife are on the lower end of British wealth, with a combined fortune of only $730 million. Petty change in comparison to the other, far more politically active and influential Brits–they’re only the 222nd richest people in England.

Sunak, who eked his humble living through hard work, dedication, and marrying an extremely rich heiress, offers a fresh perspective to the country which for so long has survived off of the parasitic wealth of the ultra-rich and the nobility.

Though Sunak himself has come under fire for some ‘tasteless’ comments he made about his less financially fortunate acquaintances, he assures his loyal voters that he does not, even a little bit, hate poor people with a burning passion. Sunak has also vehemently denied the silly and baseless rumors that he has created taxes for ordinary Britons to avoid paying approximately 20 million on the 1.7 billion shareholding stake he and his wife own in tech company Infosys.

Sunak is a shining example that through hard work, internalized racism, and nauseating classicism, anyone with enough money and general aesthetic appeal can get elected as long as they’re not as horrible as the previous prime minister.
Here’s hoping he makes it at least 46 days.