Humor: Student Delays New Year’s Resolution Until 2020

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues. Noah Corman ‘19 As the clock struck midnight on December 31, junior Quentin Roberts vowed to bring an end to his procrastinating ways. Sadly, he never got … Read More

Singletime’s Day: Giving Losers a Chance       

by Drew Scott ‘20 After nearly three months of holidays, the time has come for that dead zone of the year when, quite frankly, life sucks. It seems to be a postpartum depression of sorts, as everyone is dealing with the severance of the symbolic umbilical cord of joy that is the holiday season. However, a recent social movement has … Read More

Come In From the Cold, Comrade Santa

Russian interference in the 2018 Christmas has brought forth theories of Santa’s political leanings by Russell Irons ‘19  It’s getting to be that time of year, a joyous season of giving gifts and practicing many other holiday traditions. Alas, all is not well. Santa Claus is an agent of the Kremlin and a threat to the American people. Every winter … Read More

Awful Candy May Have a Use

by Drew Scott ‘20 With Halloween right around the corner, an inevitable problem arises. Gross treats. Kids know which ones– candy corn, licorice, fruit, pretzels, just to name a few. Nobody eats them, so the treats eventually end up in the trash. Seeing an opportunity to think globally and act locally, the Sherwood Eco Club has come up with a … Read More

Administration Will Enforce Strict Dress Code To Improve Halloween

by Noah Corman ‘19 With Halloween fast approaching, the administration recently amended the Sherwood constitution. They added a provision that aims to make this Halloween the most productive one ever. It calls for formal costumes only, including and limited to a lawyer, doctor, or other job with a six-figure salary. Students are expected to take part in activities that will … Read More

Sherwood Purge Boosts Student Behavior

by Russell Irons ‘19 “Good morning, Sherwood family! This is not a drill. This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the first annual ‘Purge’ sanctioned by the Sherwood administration. Commencing the bell, all infractions, including open lunch, will be legal during fifth period. Security and emergency medical services will be unavailable until sixth period at 11:59 a.m., … Read More

Local Party Stores Refuse To Sell Fortnite Costumes

by Liam Kennedy ‘19 Halloween costumes based on skins from the popular free-to-play video game Fortnite may be in jeopardy after local party stores came together and agreed to prohibit the sale of Fortnite costumes. Party stores such as Party USA, Party City, The Party Co., and The Party Place, along with big box stores Target and Walmart in Montgomery … Read More

Candy Tax Devastates Youth

by Nathan Lampshire ‘19 Montgomery County created yet another tax that will surely test residents’ integrity this Halloween. The tax allows the government to collect 23 cents for each individual piece of candy on the Monday after Halloween. The tax was created to combat obesity and to generate more revenue for government-funded projects. However, the government is concerned that youth … Read More

Humor Section Becomes A Disaster after All of the Funny People Graduate

 by Jared Schwartz ‘18  The Warrior is in a dire situation with the imminent graduation of the Class of 2018, as all of the funny people will soon be gone. It is unclear how the Humor section will survive once anyone with any sense of humor whatsoever has left. The bleak future for the Humor section is not good for … Read More

Senior Implements Spring Cleaning Routine

by Natalie Murray ‘18  Over spring break, Sherwood students had a variety of plans: some went on vacation, some did college tours, some stayed home and studied, and some – namely, senior Makayla Smithe – did some spring cleaning.  Unlike traditional spring cleaning, in which a person sorts through clothes, shoes, knickknacks, and other possessions, throwing away or donating anything … Read More