Zombie Survival Guide

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by John Castle ‘25

Drawing the attention of people worldwide, including mine, there has been a recent emergence of a “Zombie Virus.” This pathogen was found present in Siberian permafrost. Discovered by scientists in late November, the disease was immediately contained in a specialized lab. Due to global warming, more of these dangerous zombie viruses will most likely be exposed to the modern world. As a DeVry University graduate who specialized in apocalypse and doomsday survival, I am a self-declared expert on what it will take to survive if (probably when) these viruses find their way into the general population.

Starting off, it’s necessary to go into more detail about this virus. Even the name of the zombie virus tells all and I don’t think it’s necessary to explain what it does to humans, but in case you guys are still skeptical I decided to do some research myself. There have been several examples of ancient viruses and bacteria thawing out of the Siberian permafrost discovered by Russian scientists, which in my opinion is already a cause for concern. Who knows what Russia could be trying to do with such a dangerous and mysterious materials, and they’re keeping new discoveries about it secret? Everything about this virus seems sketchy. Also why would Russia keep drilling into this frost if there are dangerous specimens frozen underneath it? Are they trying to release them, or is there something bigger they’re looking for? Of course we won’t know until it’s too late, so let’s talk about preparation.

I believe it is important to state the importance of preparation for all-out disasters as many people did for the covid-19 lockdowns by buying computer chips and toilet paper. In order to prepare you will need a stable food and drink supply. It’s also important to prepare a shelter such as an island or a spaceship. In the most effective way, I listed all the materials needed to successfully survive the Siberian Zombie Virus Apocalypse. With all of these necessary supplies on your mind, you should be able to keep the virus out of mind.

1. Gushers and Mountain
Dew for essential nutrients
2. At least one sword
3. Rocket launcher
4. Peashooters for defense
5. Rick Grimes
6. A cool/intimidating outfit
7. Hand Sanitizer
8. A cool pet like a Liger