Amending the First Amendment

by Justin Lakso ’25

Google defines Cancel Culture as, “Those who have acted in an unacceptable manner are ostracized, boycotted or shunned.” The modern definition of “unacceptable” however has become, “not concurring with today’s social media hivemind.” This new norm has become hazardous for online communities and content creators as not conforming to the societal norms of a mentally egalitarian society can have them deplatformed. We ROBOTS (Researchers Of Belligerent Or Toxic Speech) have scoured the internet to find the very worst of humanity’s actions and compiled them into a list. This way YOU know exactly what to avoid saying or doing to keep your status clean.

So here’s a list of what NOT to do-

– Make documentaries about events in history such as the Holocaust, 9/11, or slavery.
Many people died in these tragedies; documentaries are ALWAYS just a cheap way to gain a social following.
– Like a series or franchise in an incorrect way.
Enjoy it the way I enjoy it or you’re not a real fan.
– Use aspects of another creator’s work without crediting them.
This includes things like using the same template in an editing software, and it doesn’t matter if it’s free!! You can’t use it!!!
– Be suspected of slandering a woman, regardless of how fictional the allegation is.
Because defamation trials happen when words are Miss-Heard.
– Eat Chick-Fil-A.
The owners are Southern Baptists, which looks like Satanic Believers if you squint hard enough.
– Donate 20,000 pairs of shoes to South African children.
Giving charity such as this means you see the kids as inferior.
– Cure the blind.
This is a demonic act because it exploits people for an improved public image.
– Enjoy watching a YouTuber or streamer who has played “Hogwarts Legacy.”
You are supporting a transphobe by consuming media related to their IP.
– Rescue a drowning victim.
The person did not consent to be touched.
– Go to the gym to work out.
Wanting to be in better shape is fatphobic.
– Be 5’7.
Vladmir Putin is 5’7 so that basically means you’re responsible for tens of thousands of casualties in Ukraine.
– Have an opinion online.
Social media is not the place to voice opinions, either conform or get off the platform.

With a whole Constitutional amendments list of basic internet etiquette, it can be hard to determine what can and can’t be said. ROBOTS proposes an easy solution for this. Since freedom of speech is already being limited, we should take it one step further. We remove the right to speak entirely! If nobody speaks, we’ll eliminate the risk of offending anyone. In fact, let’s go even further and eliminate everyone’s ability to think as well! Let’s limit ourselves to the caveman days of smashing rocks together and foraging for food, rather than stressing about that post we made six years ago. Without technology, we don’t have to worry about what anyone thinks of us.

Checkmate, Twitter.