Abnormal Advice: Ben There Done That

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ben Schoenberg ‘24

Dear Benjamin,
Every year I start a New Year’s resolution to eat healthier and go to the gym but I fail every time! Oreos and Sour Patch Kids just taste too good to give up. Plus, I can’t find the motivation to get out of bed and go to the gym. Looks like my six-pack will have to wait. What do you think I should do?
Signed, Couch Potato

Dear Quitter,
This is no easy solution but your only way out of having to commit to a New Year’s resolution is by never creating one in the first place. Everyone knows that the New Year is the only opportunity in your life when you’re allowed to set goals and improve yourself, meaning if the new year never happens then you never have to set yourself up for disappointment when you can’t stick with your resolution. Ask Bill Murray how he did it, because by being able to re-live the same day over and over again you don’t have to create a New Year’s resolution, therefore solving your issue. It may also help you realize how your laziness will get you nowhere in life and allow for real self-improvement.

Dear Benjamin,
I’ve been a Kanye fan for a long time. He has been the top artist in my Spotify wrapped for years! I’m in his top .00001% of listeners. I even tattooed his song lyrics on my arms! Unfortunately, he is anti-semitic and I don’t want to associate myself with him anymore. The only issue is, now that I can’t listen to his music, I don’t know who else to listen to. What do I do???
Signed, Former super-fan

Dear Music nerd,
Despite him making Graduation, I completely understand why you would want to separate yourself from Kanye as he’s completely destroyed his credibility and image. I think you should branch out and start to listen to some wonderful RNB artists such as Chris Brown and R. Kelly who constantly release hit after hit. If you wanna dabble in some more punk/indie-related musicians you have to check out Rex Orange County, who has become a big hit in recent years. All of these artists I’ve recommended are extraordinarily talented and most importantly, have never done anything wrong.