by Seph Fischer ’25

Fox News has been embroiled in controversy as the removal of Tucker Carlson from our roster has become widely speculated upon in recent days. Many believe the firing is connected to the recent settlement in the Dominion Voting Systems v. Fox News Network court case. We at Fox confirm that this is patently false, and setting the record straight has become necessary. 

It is with great sadness that Fox News reports to loyal viewers of Tucker Carlson Tonight that the face of the program’s eponymous host has, in fact, become stuck like that. Fox is currently conducting an extensive internal investigation into the cause of this tragedy, and will be certain to inform those praying for Tucker’s swift recovery of any further developments.

On April 14, about sixteen minutes in to a twenty minute interview with first-year undergrad student Alicia Brown (whom Fox producers had been sure to supply with endless drugs and alcohol to keep as incoherent as possible), Tucker signaled to producers that he could no long respond to Brown with quips from his teleprompter due to his face being “stuck like that.”

“We think that [Brown] had said something so ‘woke,’ in such stark contrast to Tucker’s views, that his jaw permanently locked slightly ajar,” said Alice Yun, a paramedic on scene at the time of the incident. “It’s really an awful situation.”

Yun and other paramedics were quick to attempt to un-stick Tucker’s jaw, but to no avail. After ten minutes of attempted care, Tucker was rushed to MedStar Washington Hospital Center and placed in an intensive care unit, where he remains to this day.

Tucker has been let go from Fox as a result of this tragic sequence of events, and Fox News Tonight will replace Tucker Carlson Tonight until an interim host can be found. The Fox family wishes Tucker and his jaw well, and thanks all those who have shown support in these trying and unprecedented times.