(not) exactly news:

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

Admin Who Makes 150K+ a Year Sympathetic to Teachers’ Plight

As frustrated teachers rally around the clock to beg the school system for pay raises and adequate staffing to cover teaching shortages, Victoria Mercedes-Jacobs from Central Office promises that she and other district administrators will address teachers’ concerns. She personally vows to help teachers in whatever ways she can from the ground up: right after her paid sabbatical.

“I understand, I really do,” said Mercedes-Jacobs, sipping an $8 coffee from a $35 novelty mug. “Listen, I have a two-week vacation in Bali scheduled. We will 100 percent discuss the staffing shortage and our inability to provide any notable support when I get back with an awesome tan, mm-kay?”

Graduate Taking ‘Gap Year’ To Think about His Future

A mom of a Sherwood student who graduated last spring is extremely frustrated with her son’s lack of can-do attitude after he promised he would spend his gap year applying to colleges and seeking volunteer opportunities. He is in fact heroically volunteering: volunteering hundreds of hours to Valorant.
“Mom, you need to be more sensitive to my emotional needs,” the student reportedly said from his $1,000 setup, where he was once again involved in a high-stakes game of League of Legends. “I promise I’ll apply at–Whole Foods or something.” His distraught mother has been frantically reaching out to colleges in her son’s stead, praying that anybody will accept him long enough for her to recoup the costs of the vast amounts of game skins and DoorDash he’s been buying via her credit card.

It’s Not Too Early to be Thinking about Marriage

Freshmen and sophomores, though vastly different in terms of age and wisdom, on this one thing do agree: it’s never too early to start thinking about love. “I’ve known him for three whole months, ever since we were put in the same Algebra class, and I can honestly say I see a future with him,” one fourteen-year-old informed us. “I’m sure it’s impossible that we could ever have drastic personality changes that cause us to hate each other, or that we could get trapped into a ‘‘high-school-sweetheart’’ marriage that eventually ends with affairs, emotional blackmail, a devastating divorce, and multiple lawsuits.”
The sweet promises of affection that later on will create only an archive of deleted Instagram posts and unbelievable embarrassment for everyone involved will surely never be broken. But fear not, underclassmen: two percent of lucky couples make it from high school to the altar. And I’m 100-percent sure that two percent will definitely be you.

Employers Horrified at Shortage of Expendable Teen Labor

Local grocery stores and retail outlets are currently in crisis as high-school employees opt to prioritize their schoolwork and mental health instead of wasting 20 hours a week at a dead-end job. Crying after every shift and getting abused by customers and management is out, actually being a teenager in 2023 is in. One local store manager is frantically posting ads yet receiving no responses, angrily complaining, “Who knew that if we treated our employees like dirt, the word would actually get around to the point where no one wanted to apply anymore?”

The jobs available, which offer minimum wage pay, one 15-minute break for every four hours of hard labor, and absolutely NO job safety or satisfaction, just aren’t cutting it anymore. If only they had more to offer. Until then, the high school population can try enjoying life for once.