I remember all the toys I used to have as a munchkin: American girl dolls, blocks, assorted colors of Play Doh. Nowadays, however, people would probably scoff at my inferior play things. They might not even consider them toys at all. Children’s toys sold today are just far more advanced. So advanced, in fact, I wouldn’t even categorize them as “toys” anymore. They’re more like objects meant to entertain children so parents can neglect them and do sunrise yoga on the deck for three hours.

We’ve all seen the commercials for glow in the dark 3D chalk right? Besides the fact that it is actually possible for chalk to be glow in the dark and three dimensional, are children not happy enough with having just one or the other? None of my toys were three dimensional and when I wanted something that glowed in the dark, I went outside to catch fireflies.

And what happened to blocks? Go up to any hip little kid and ask them if they play with blocks. I guarantee you they won’t even know what a block is. They actually might not even answer you because they’re too busy playing with their Voice Activated RC Helicopter. Who the hell buys their five year old a model helicopter? Have they not heard of a kite?

Back in the day, we’d get the whole neighborhood together, discriminate against the boys, and build back yard forts till the sun went down. We didn’t have those fancy talking robots that would follow us around and secretly teach us how to spell. I’m pretty sure half of the littluns today don’t even leave their houses, fearful of being separated from their magic pen that reads electronic books for them.

Yeah, sure it’s great for parents to have finger paints that only show up on magic paper and not on the shiny white couch (if you have kids, should you really have a white couch anyway?), but the fun part of finger painting was the mess it made! You’re letting your children paint with their hands! Surely you don’t expect them to tie a lobster bib around their front to keep their shirts clean do you?

Are hula hoops and hopscotch not enough anymore? Did stuffed animals get replaced by electronic puppies on Xbox? Playing pirates and racing to the swings were some of the most fun things to do. We had to use our imaginations to have fun. We had to pretend our plastic kitchens were gourmet restaurants, and that the apple juice in our cups was a cappuccino like mom drank. You might think this is absurd, without all the fancy “toys” on the market today, but we had so much fun. Pushing buttons doesn’t qualify as playing; a heap of metal doesn’t count as a toy. Your imagination is where the real fun is.