by Declan Rooney ‘25

With a new school year comes new rules for students to follow. Last year, the zoo we call Sherwood High School was rampant with off task behavior such as smoking, skipping class, and in-class phone usage. That is why the school needs a shepherd to put these animals in place, and I think I’m just the man for the job.

1. Vape Detectors. This year as part of MCPS’ new initiative to increase student safety in schools, Sherwood installed vape detectors in classrooms and selective parts of the halls. This may sound good until you realize not a single bathroom in the school has one of these vape detectors, which is the primary location for a mid-class smoke session. But fixing this isn’t as simple as putting detectors in bathrooms because if you know this school you know that the detector, within a week, will be taken off the wall and placed in some rando’s backpack. Instead, I propose we organize medieval peasant mobs in collaboration with the security guards and make those found guilty wear cages on their face for the rest of the semester. Like a hall sweep but with pitchforks.

2. Surveillance cameras. Part of the same MCPS initiative to increase student safety, is an implementation of a security camera upgrade. But once again this safety measure does not go far enough for me. Who knows what tomfoolery students may engage in if they break into vacant classrooms. That is why I suggest putting cameras in every hallway, classroom, staff room, or other space. These
cameras will have TV screens on them too, so that students can understand the rules better, and so they understand that they are being watched at all times. There is no escape!

3. Security Guards. Walking around the school you will see some students casually conversing with the security guards as if they were friends. But the guards at Sherwood should not be friends with any of their prey. These guards are not scary enough; they don’t inspire fear in me or any other student, which is why so much rule-breaking continues. To remedy this, I propose a uniform update. Guards will now have to wear spiked tungsten armor around the school at all times.

4. Teachers. Unlike the security guards there are teachers that truly inspire fear in the students they teach; however, this is the vast minority. To fix this, I will again be introducing a uniform update in order to make these hooligans do their homework. Teachers will now be forced to wear a big red nose and a rainbow wig to class, simulating something every child is afraid of, killer clowns. Balloons will also be distributed to really sell the idea.

5. Bees. To further exaggerate the intimidation and fear of the security guards at school we need weapons. Unfortunately, due to dumb stupid liberal laws, I can’t give our knights what they need to do their jobs right. Instead, hives full of angry bees will be placed in retractable panels in the ceiling and walls all around the school. If a kid dares to run in the hallway or do anything else to endanger the integrity of our great school, security will flip a switch and the bees will attack, giving that dirty criminal what they deserve. Bees are also so good for the environment.

6. Bert. A lot of rule breaking also happens around our glorious campus, far away from our wonderful police and their bee hives. To combat this, we will purchase a falcon to patrol the school. The falcon’s name will be Bert, and the next time you leave campus to get a slurpee or pack of gum, Bert will come swooping in with his sharp talons. He may also attack innocent strangers but that is the cost of justice.

7. Phone Vaporizer 9000. This goes with the previous attempts to make the staff scarier, but this time there is a lot more functionality to it. A scary staff needs a scary principal to lead them, and while Mr. Britton is an intimidating figure as is, we can do better. I propose we equip him with a robotic cyber cannon that he will use to destroy students’ precious cell phones that they won’t put away during class. It’s kind of like Cyborg from Teen Titans Go except it’s real and flipping epic.

8. A-10 Warthog. There is one flaw with my sixth change. Bert sadly cannot stop students from hiding in their cars. That begs the question: What happened if one of them got into their vehicles and drove off, avoiding the dark arm of justice I worked so hard to create? No that won’t do, we need to stop these motorized teens before they get away. Introducing the Fairchild Republic A-10 Warthog; a cheap alternative to my other idea of bringing dinosaurs back. The Warthog comes equipped with three missile mounts per wing, two General Electric TF34 engines, one GAU8 Avenger minigun loaded with 1,174 rounds of explosive bullets, and 0 runaway hooligans. Your mom’s minivan never stood a chance.

9. Dungeon. All of these previous improvements are good for terrorizing, catching and terrorizing the misbehaving creatures of Sherwood, but what happens when we catch them? Not to mention how will we terrorize them? Well, just as anybody who has ever worked at Field of Screams knows, you shall never miss an opportunity to traumatize children. Maybe you rev the fake chainsaw a little more, scream a little louder, or jump out at them a little faster. I throw them in the dungeon. Unfortunately, I cannot give the location of the dungeon away, but just know there will be something down there with you, and I am taking suggestions on what.

10. Giant Spike. Sitting at his desk all the way back in 1700, pondering the universe, Issac Newton came to an ingenious realization that would revolutionize the way we understand the world to this day; everything would be so much cooler if it had spikes on it. I plan to carry out Newton’s ideas by making one small, teeny tiny change. I will be putting spikes on everything. Walls, ceilings, floors, flat surfaces, curved surfaces, the secret room in the media center where the creature is kept–you get the idea. Additionally to finish off my incredible plan, one huge spike will be placed in the center of the football field that is 500 feet high. This will also add a little bit more excitement and and another level of difficulty to the football games.