by Rebecca Stussman ’12

If the top republican candidates were a buffet, Mitt Romney would be the mystery vegetables, Herman Cain the spicy wings, Rick Perry champagne. Ron Paul would be the BBQ dipping sauce, Newt Gingrich the military-style hardy meats. And Bachmann would be the creepy lady who stands judgmentally behind the spread and makes you feel piggish for all the food you take.

Together, they make a perfectly ill-prepared mess that remains uneaten and ultimately thrown away. Ex-Massachusetts Governor Romney takes the healthy but undependable food for his legitimate qualifications (actual experience!), but his sporadic opinions and gaping lack of personable appeal, even with the support of such an alliteratively-named person as Chris Christy, leave eaters passing over him to dessert. Though undoubtedly the responsible, healthy choice, Romney is also one of the least appealing. Cain is the dangerous but irresistible risk. He might harass you, lie to you, run you into an economic default and know less about the U.S. government than any freshman in nsl, but his 9-9-9 plan is just so catchy to say. And is knowledge about basic details of the Libyan crisis, such dictator Gaddafi’s world-changing assassination, really that important? Following his conservative presidential predecessors with close adherence to his Lone Star state roots, Perry claims the alcoholic beverage both for his recent scandal and for his over-animated, unrealistic policy ideas. The sad thing is that he forgot his own plan to eliminate the energy department while stone cold sober. Oh well, who doesn’t have an “oops” moment every now and then?

Paul claims the cliché cowboy entrée with his exceedingly anti-government ideology and fend-for-yourself mentality. He fits perfectly anyone trying to impress a damsel in distress or win a local rodeo duel. Gingrich, a steadfastly patriotic American-supremist with an uncomfortably cavalier attitude toward natural rights, embodies the army-regulation food for his stereotypically militant ideas and laissez-faire economic ideas. Lastly, poor Bachmann tries so hard to be a candidate but simply cannot shed the devil horns and halo of evil that makes voters view her with suspicion. A few more plastic surgeries should have her ready to vie for GOP Vice Presidential running-mate in no time.

With Obama’s approval ratings sinking by the day and people throughout the political spectrum calling for change, 2012 should have been the GOP’s moment to step up and shine. Instead of producing a personable, moderate candidate, however, it assailed us with a wide selection of insalubrious choices. Go through the line at your own risk; I prefer a bag lunch.