by Nick Hammond ‘25 and Mark Joseph ‘25

Sherwood community as the equivalent of the Purge began. Friendships were destroyed, and families eroded from inside out as the formerly friendly Olney wrestled with the burden of hosting Sherwood’s giant water fight: Senior Assassin.

One may question the motives for such violence. Why would these students, nearing graduation and soon entering college, enlist in this warfare? Why would they throw the “best” years of their lives away? Simple: a prize pool of over one thousand dollars, or in modern English, enough to buy 50 Geek Bars.
Nevertheless, as Senior Assassin progressed, things only got worse. Whether by stalking the child development students or driving a car into someone’s house when they weren’t “invited in,” this game was tearing Sherwood apart. One Sherwood? More like a lot of Sherwoods!

It has even caused senioritis to reach an all time high, as students were exhausted from all night stake-outs in front of their targets’ houses. Many had even reported developing PTSD (Post Traumatic Squirt Disorder), spending anxious days on end worried about where a little Sherwood gremlin may pop out of. Our school no longer felt like a school; it felt like a war zone in which trust was only something for the wet.

One of the most documented tragedies of Senior Assassin was that of infamous twin siblings Owen and Audrey Farris. When Owen was initially asked what his game plan was to achieve victory, he simply said: “Oh, win.” Unfortunately, his scheme did not come to fruition when he was ambushed by his own sister in the supposed safety of his living room.

“We don’t talk anymore (like the song by Charlie Puth). We don’t talk anymore like we useeeed toooo dooooo! I wish I could go back to before I ever even picked up my shark squirter,” murmured Owen.
He luckily found the strength to seek vengeance, and had Audrey ambushed from the branches above. Despite getting drenched, she was still a good sport about it. “Aw, tree? Fair is fair!” she commented.
Aggressive powerhouse “The Wet Willies” started out their game as the tightest friend group since middle school. But after weeks of starving on the cold battlefield and pointing blame towards each other, the stress broke them.

“I thought we would be together forever, but even us Willies couldn’t handle the squirt,” cried self-proclaimed “Big Willie.”

Despite the energy and time these students devoted to the craft, an anonymous insider reported that their efforts may be futile. All one thousand big ones are being held onto by Liat Tuchman, the admin of the event. Unbeknownst to the participants, she will be embezzling every last doubloon, and spending it all on a mini yacht. Yuck, man.