by Declan Rooney ‘25

Internet memes are probably the greatest invention of the 21st century, bringing joy into our lives whenever needed as the world around us spirals into chaos. But recent studies show people from around the world are mentally picturing one of those agents of chaos, Vice President JD Vance, as chubbier than he actually is, due to a viral internet trend of people photoshopping him into a multitude of different things – the most popular being a chubby little fella with a big ole lollipop and rainbow propeller hat. The meme has sparked worries over the Vice President’s future.

“They say a man dies twice; first when his body dies, and second when nobody remembers his face,” said professor Andrew Tate. “Unfortunately the latter is happening to Vice President Vance before the former – an exceedingly rare case.” Effects of Vance’s “second death” include: slowly turning translucent and eventually invisible, people not being able to hear him, and pictures of Vance slowly morphing into the fatter version of himself.

The cases of Vance’s face being distorted in people’s memories has reached even the closest people to the Vice President. Even Vance’s wife, Usha Vance, is reporting she is now slightly shocked when seeing her husband. “After seeing the memes on my daily 6 hour bedrot doomscroll, I just feel he should be fatter everytime I see him. I mean I’d feel a little better about marrying a fascist if he just looked like a little goober.”

The Trump administration announced a 3-point plan to try to save the Vice President should things continue to get worse; including mailing a little sticker of Vance to every American, another 4.4 trillion dollar weapons package to Israel, and removing federal funding for children’s hospitals. “That first one is a preventative measure,” said President Trump. “We are hoping to remind our people their Vice President is not in fact a chubby elementary schooler but rather just your average American who doesn’t think poor children–or anyone really–should have decent healthcare.”

The President was unable to comment on how the other two points of the plan relate to the problem due to their being a cool bug on the Whitehouse lawn; which required Trump and Vance’s “immediate attention.”

People around the nation and world anxiously await updates on the Vice President’s condition as the future remains uncertain