by Josh Pulaski ‘25

For more than 200,000 years, humans have had three constants for survival: food, water, and their rizz game. Being able to attract the huzz has always been a difficult endeavor. How do I stand out from the betas? Does my hair look good enough? Are my wooden shoes long and pointy enough? Well, worry no longer because, by the time you’re done reading this three-step guide, you will be able to attract the huzz on Aura alone.

Step 1 – The Looks: You need to look good when trying to attract the huzz. Unfortunately, you can’t change what your ugly face looks like, but you can change your hair. You’re probably now asking, “What type of haircut should I get, glorious rizz god Male P ?” Simply put, you need a lowwwww-taper fade. With the powers of your new low taper fade your rizz attraction will be massive; it will be huge. Just make sure you don’t go to Great Clips when getting your cut, or you’ll look like a beta.

Step 2 – Standing Out: To stand out from 4.04 billion other men attempting to do the same thing you are doing, you need a shtick, a stunt, a gimmick. Something that will really wow the huzz. Introducing the Druski dance. To do the Druski you must put one foot over the other while shaking your hands left to right. It’s that easy! With the power of your new-found tuff as heck Druski dance, the huzz will flock to you like crazy. Bonus Tip: Start a large crowd before performing the Druski dance to maximize the chance of rizz.

Step 3 – Personality: Now that you have both the looks and the dance moves to back up your rizz game, you need a remarkable aura. There are a lot of high-ranking aura officials to choose from such as Patrick Bateman and Tyler Durden. Now that you have chosen a fictional character to base your personality on, it’s time to mimic their sigma routine. Showering once a year should help produce your natural alpha odor, allowing you to scare away all the betas and rizz all the huzz.

Now that you’re an expert on all of the most important features of attracting huzz, your final step is to get out there and start doing it. When we return from Spring Break, I want to see low taper fades on top everybody’s dome piece, Druski dances around the school, and I better smell that alpha odor no matter where I am.