by Declan Rooney ‘25

In the last decade we have narrowly escaped the apocalypse so many times, such as global threats of nuclear war, the entire year of 2020, and that time Taylor Swift wore a mismatched outfit to one of her concerts. But I’m here to be the bearer of bad news: the world is going to end in the year 2025. Some may scoff at this proclamation, so if you don’t believe me, here are five reasons why the world will end next year:

Presidents. With next week’s election America will once again be choosing between which candidate they hate with a passion less. Why yes this time around we have a chance to not elect someone who is 80 years old and senile. I am here to tell you that it doesn’t matter who will win, they will both throw the entire world into the abyss. With Trump, you can bet that he’s just going to start a nuclear war from raging at Fortnite, which is kind of understandable. For Harris, you can bet the cost of Galaxy Gas and Robux will skyrocket, immediately starting a worldwide revolution because people won’t have the absolute necessities of life. Either case we are totally screwed.

Hurricanes. Hurricane season this year was pretty bad, with Hurricane Milton wreaking havoc on Florida, knocking over trash cans and spraypainting mean words onto brick walls around the city. But I promise you as bad as it is right now, it’s about to get much worse, and not because of “global warming” (we all know that’s not real). It’s going to get worse because of Florida continuing to exist. The longer that affront to the gods exists the angrier they will get, eventually causing a superstorm that will make the effects of Hurricane Katrina look like a sandcastle getting knocked down by a wave. I suggested we manually put the whole state underwater right now to stop this madness, but my hastily put together 4AM Instagram story post fell on deaf ears. So board up your windows and pop a Chug Jug, because the storm is coming.

I Might Get Angry. Sometimes I get carried away. Now I know I should have more self control, but I just get so worked up when I see things that grind my gears. For example, one time I was sitting in a Starbucks enjoying my Pumpkin Spice Latte on a lovely Sunday afternoon, until I overheard someone “mansplaining” to a strong and independent woman. Hearing this arrogant man filled my veins with a blood-boiling rage. I ripped the counter off the floor in a fit of rage and chucked it across the restaurant, and then started shooting lasers from my eyes which burned the whole place to the ground. When stuff like this happens, no one knows what I’m capable of, not even myself. So watch out next year, especially if arrogant men keep using micro-aggressions towards innocent queens.

WNBA. We all know that the WNBA has been for years the world’s most successful failing business, but for the uneducated the NBA has to support the WNBA financially because the league has never been able to turn a profit, which is due to the known laws of physics. However, I forecast this is about the change because of the best basketball player since Ben Simmons. That’s right, Cailtin Clark is going to single handedly turn the WNBA profitable, tearing a hole in space time, and opening a wormhole. From there, not even the best scientists know what happens. All I know is that it’s not good.

269-269. We all know Americans are dumb but relax guys. I’m an American, I’m allowed to say this without getting told to go Euro-Wedgie myself. All of these dumb, loud, and proudly ignorant people are held together by a strong government invented by some basically British guys 300 years ago; and thanks to that now we have Triple Stuffed Oreos. But what would happen if that Government was suddenly deadlocked thanks to a historically unprecedented Electoral College tie. This election is close, and all it would take for this to happen is a couple of scenarios where the swing states are split, and Harris wins two of the three electoral college districts in Nebraska. If this were to happen the Republican controlled house would vote on the President, and the Democratic led Senate would elect the Vice President. In short this would immediately lead to a civil war, leading to millions of American refugees fleeing south to Mexico, and then from there this massive country of morons would be let loose on the globe. So get ready, College Gameday is coming to your village in Kazakhstan.