by Declan Rooney ’25

At some point you may have Googled how much the United States is in debt and been swamped by a tsunami of depressing stories about how the U.S government is 34.4 trillion dollars in debt which is going to cause a global economic collapse. Fear not concerned citizens, for I have cooked up three delicious ways for our nation to pay the national debt and save the world. Bon appetit! 

First off, this country is plagued by overspending on our military. What’s that stuff even good for if we aren’t invading places and stealing all of their resources anymore? That’s why I propose to cut all, yes ALL military spending and reinvest it into actually important stuff, such as NASA. After all, if we aren’t allowed to conquer and exploit other places on earth anymore, then I guess we’ll just have to invade the cosmos. If anybody tries to stop us claiming, “The US signed treaties they wouldn’t invade space,” please point and laugh at them. Since when has a measly little piece of paper stopped us from doing anything? This is America, people! We do whatever we want. Additionally this will yield a bunch of cool space pictures. Now that’s worthy of a few trillion in taxpayer funds alone! 

Secondly, we need a Youtube channel. These influencers are making way too much money filming their silly little vlogs and such and it cannot be ignored. I think it’s time to move this ancient country into the modern age and start posting on social media more. If you’re having second thoughts, please try and tell me that you wouldn’t want to watch “Day in the Life of a 110 Year Old Senator,” or, “GRWM to Veto Universal Healthcare,” or, “Whoops! That Missile Strike I Ordered Hit Civilians!!! (NOT CLICKBAIT).” These videos would draw in millions, if not, billions to watch and we would make a steady profit. Then start thinking of all the overpriced merchandise we could sell to the fans and suddenly I need a new pair of underwear.

Lastly, the country is plagued by too many boring, repetitive, and uninteresting states. States like Delaware are just not worth keeping a part of this country. So we should get rid of them. “But how?” you might ask. Simple: sell these places to our fiercest adversaries. To us, Delaware might be a worthless, smelly, good for nothing sliver of beach, but to a nation like China this area is a perfect place for a military base or airstrip. It provides a perfect place to monitor U.S troop movements, and to potentially attack us in the future. Some politicians might argue that this is “a national security issue” or that this “is borderline treason.” But remember folks, this “geopolitics” thing is nonsense. We should be selling ourselves out to fascist dictators for profit. The country is a business and should be run like one, afterall, America is a rule of the shareholders, for the shareholders and by the shareholders.