Man from 18th Century To Run for President

by Jordan Costolo ‘25

In the course of a human’s life, usually nearing its end, it becomes necessary for him, or her (but most likely him), to gain as much power over others as possible to ensure a legacy that lasts for all time. Although much has changed since my youth in the late 1700s, I, Sir Cornelius Jefferson, shall be running for president as a member of the Whig party in the year 2024, at the age of 248, to enact my own policies. These shall do good for the betterment of the now 50 free states. Under this declaration, I have listed three of the many items I would enact as president.

Increased spending
programs for the elderly

As I am nearing the midway point of my third century on this plant, I am starting to suffer from constant pain in my bones, organs, and mind. Therefore, as president I shall enact the Program for Elderly Politicians, or PEP. This program shall supply us elderly politicians with military service members to help us get up from our chairs, blend our food into digestible mush, and possibly give us their stem cells so we may stay alive. Modern medicine is an amazing thing and has advanced a long way from the days of leeches and amputations.

Reduced taxes for the rich

I’ve accumulated quite a lot of wealth from different ventures across the years, even if some are now frowned upon because they profited from the slave trade. But alas, now that I have acquired this ungodly amount of money, the hoodlums and scoundrels of the lower and middle classes aim to take it away! If I am elected, I will codify into law that the nation’s richest class are the 21st Century version of monarchy. Long live Elon Musk.

Restrictions for who
can hold power

Recently, citizens have been complaining about the age of me and my competitors for the presidency in 2024. I think this direct and uncivilized disrespect of the people’s elders should be punishable by public execution, but alas, even public floggings have been banned. Instead, I propose that we enact a new regulation for our lawmakers. Only Americans that qualify for the Early Bird Special at Golden Corral restaurant chains shall be allowed to run for any elected political position. With age comes privilege … as it should be so.
Cornelius Jeffersonby