Stanley Ruined My Life

by Declan Rooney ‘25

When I waltzed my way into Target on a fine afternoon last month I expected nothing but a quick run to pick up a quality bottle from a very popular brand called Stanley. Stanley has been praised for its high quality bottle the “Quencher,” which I wished to procure for my various hydration needs. But as I entered I laid my eyes on an unforgettable scene.

If you could have seen what I saw that day, you might not sleep for the rest of your life. Moms, Daughters, Teens, Babies, and even Elders of all shapes, sizes and colors clawed at each other just to get their rich little hands on a Quencher. Ugg boots and frappuccinos flew through the air as families waged war on each other like it was the dark ages. It looked like a Call of Duty mission where the objective was just a stupid little water bottle I was shocked at this sight. Why would people spill blood over a cup?

Well you see, the Stanley Quencher is not just a bottle, but a signal of prestige, wealth, and superior femininity to these warring peoples. To top that, the price tag of $60 to $100 makes these bottles worth bashing in a skull.

I barely escaped with my life that day. I lay awake at night thinking of how those innocent employees and little brothers who were sent in to snatch the cups were slaughtered by opposing families, wielding armored shopping carts and akimbo purses. The worst part is I was sucked into the conflict myself, crawling my way through the no-mans-land of aisle six just to grab a bottle. I was totally consumed by the thoughtless consumerism. It made me not only risk my life, but harm an innocent employee in the process.

Stanley, I will be suing you for the mental health damages your products have caused me. The sleepless nights, the flashbacks anytime I enter a store, the images of those poor employees being hit across the face with a Louis Vuitton bag.

But the worst part, I can’t even use my Stanley because everytime I take a sip, I feel like a brainless, consumerist, rich white girl; a fate worse than death. Thank you Stanley, you have ruined my life.