HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Justin Lasko ‘24

Embellishment is common on résumés, especially for us underqualified teenagers. How else would we get jobs at Taco Bell other than pretending we enjoy the taste of the sewage that they call food? However, a thirty-four year old congressman should have grown out of this phase, right?

Meet George Santos, but who knows if that’s even his name? The résumé he submitted to the Nassau County Republican Committee was nothing short of a complete lie, rivaling that of the moon landing or how birds aren’t government drones. Since then, the document has been deleted and replaced with a free, unchanged template from Novoresume.com.

Normally the original résumé would be completely lost, cast away, irrecoverable. HOWEVER, my experience as a Licenced Internet Archivist for the Republicans (LIAR for short) has allowed me to find a copy of such a document. After looking it over, I decided it needed to come out to the public to show how truly hideous it is.

George A. Devolder Santos

Summary

Business Development Professional with extensive experience in fighting for the rights of constituents. 6 ‘3, 195 pounds, goes to the gym every week. Enthusiastic leader of the high school drama club who will be the first openly-gay republican representative of New York’s third district. Unbiased hater of the left wing and their entire ideology, and stalwart Trump supporter.

Skills

• Account management                                             Customer and Investor Relations
• Sales                                                                           Activism
• Leadership                                                                Trash-Talking Mitt Romney on Twitter
• Call of Duty Trickshots                                           Maturity
• Volleyball (Middle Blocker)                                  “Memory of an Elephant”
• Real Estate                                                                  Public Speaking
• Public Speaking                                                        Training and Mentoring
• Publicly Speaking about Real Estate                   Undeniable Rizz
• Budget Oversight                                                    Making Promises
• Freestyle Rapping                                                   Deception
• Fashion Sense                                                          Currency Counting/Gambling

Experience

                     Devolder Organization

Sole managing member of a family-owned company managing over $80 million in assets

• Lost in early 2022 because our accountant was an idiot
• He missed the annual filing deadline
• Served more clients than any branch of McDonalds

Ran Campaign in 2020 against Thomas Suozzi

Lost because the system was RIGGED 

• I was more qualified
• I was a better fit
• He won because of incumbency advantage
• Also systemic racism was probably involved there

Smooth Criminal

Illegally gambled in Brazil because I live life on the edge

• Check Fraud case went up
• They still haven’t found me hahaha
• I haven’t paid rent since 2014

Education and Training

                      New York University

                      Business administration

• 3.5 GPA
• Valedictorian (trust me)
• Perfect GMAT score

                      Barrack State College (however it’s spelled)

                      Bachelor Economics/Finance

• Summa com laude graduate
• Best volleyball player there
• Ranked in top 1% of graduating class