Abnormal Advice: Revolutions

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ben Schoenberg ‘24

Dear Benjamin,
I read an article in The Warrior about ghosts in our school. I have a horrible fear of ghosts and don’t want them to keep running rampant in our school. Why is no one doing anything about this?
— A Fearful Friend

Dear Fearful Friend,
I too have also read this article, knowing it was published by a reliable and respected source. Everyone knows that Sherwood has a ghost problem but no one does anything due to the school system intentionally denying paranormal activity. Sherwood was built in the United States, a country whose history has been continuously written by the winners and there’s no bigger loser in history than the dead. For years ghosts have been voiceless, leading to their existence being forgotten and written over by those who are still alive. That leaves us in the present day where many recognize ghosts and their possible existence in our schools, but our systems in place and educational institutions have told us differently for years. Next time you see a ghost in Sherwood remember their historic histories.

Dear Benjamin,
Recently my best friend has been putting together horrific outfits where she has been mixing many colors and patterns. She seems really happy in what she is wearing but has become much of an eyesore in my opinion. How do I tell her she looks terrible?
— A Fashionista
Dear Fashionista,
To solve this ongoing issue you must turn to the power of arts and crafts, the most convincing form of artistic expression. I’m sure you or your family have magazines or newspapers laying around that you can use to cut letters out of, as these letters could be glued onto a colorful piece of cardstock. After formulating a well written response to your friend’s horrific outfits, also gently place two dead rats into an envelope of your choice to accompany the card. Trust me that this ominous touch is crucial for ensuring your intended effect. Once your friend receives this, you’ll never have to worry about her looking bad ever again.

Dear Benjamin,
My boyfriend and I have been going strong for a year now but recently he started wearing a really expensive cologne. The problem is he puts way too much on. Whenever he comes within a fifty-foot radius of me, I have to hold my breath. There’s a fume cloud that trails him when he walks. He’s really proud of his cologne, and never leaves the house without it. I don’t know how to tell him he needs to stop wearing it. What should I do?
— Concerned Girlfriend
Dear Concerned Girlfriend
I feel that your problem stems from jealousy. It’s clear that you’re having trouble dealing with insecurities stemming from the wealth of your boyfriend. This cologne issue feels like a scapegoat for you to complain about your boyfriend’s disposable income, which he chooses to spend. What you should be doing instead of whining is get a job to increase your own spending power. Cash that first paycheck and buy your very own really really expensive perfume to balance out your boyfriend’s really really expensive cologne.