HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Jordan Costolo ‘25

The one percent is going to space. Now if that’s not alarming, I don’t know what is. I’m sure you all know what I’m talking about: the billionaire space race with that baldy from the Amazon and that guy whose kid has a name that sounds like a math problem. I’m fine with a bit of friendly competition like the time I nearly crashed that old woman’s clavicle on Black Friday trying to get a new jetski, but this is too far! Besoz or Bezos or whatever it is and that Musky fellow are in the plot with the other 1%s to move their behinds up to space, looking down on us truth-seekers.  Soon the higher-ups are gonna make the voyage to the stars, leaving us regular folks behind.

Not only that, but those big suits are probably directly plotting against the common man. I bet right now as I write this, they are organizing to meet with all their rich and powerful alien friends. I know this situation seems grim but don’t worry, studies show that a blend of aluminum and magnesium is able to deflect brainwashing transmissions. That sounds expensive, but these things are found in the most common items, such as tinfoil and foil-related products. Still, be wary, because some types of foil have been tampered with by the higher-ups in the Illuminati into not working.

You may be wondering why the man is doing this to us, and it’s all because a race of aliens are hell-bent on taking over our wonderful planet earth, and sadly, the mega biljillionares and Illuminati are helping them do it.  And the rich, being the rich, have made a deal with them to keep themselves safe. My sources say that about 60 percent of the rich of the world are aliens, and now they plan to go back to space and plan their attack. Thank the lord we have the Space Force. Without them, I don’t know where we would be right now. To these aliens, I say no way José! I say we fight back against these dastardly extraterrestrials. The way we can do this? We have to boycott Amazon. Then, we cut down that darn forest in Brazil, as it is their likely base of operations. That seems like a lot of hard work, but if we ban together we can do anything we put our minds to! It may seem that the world may be falling apart, and I know it can be scary, yet remember all hope is not lost. Since the Earth is flat, I bet they can barely even get off the ground with those big hunks of junk.