HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ben Schoenberg ‘24

Photo by Audrey Farris ’25

Hello Benjamin, My teacher eats his breakfast in class every single morning, but it smells so bad. I walk into the room and immediately feel nauseated by the aroma of boiled eggs and tuna. When I leave, I’m worried I smell bad. How do I tell my teacher he needs to eat his breakfast at home?
– So Smelly

Dear So Smelly,
Well, let me start this off with a reminder that bad smells can easily be fixed with good smells. Soaps, shampoos, and body washes are all easily available products with strong, pleasantly smelling scents. If you simply add some of these products to your teacher’s food, the horrible smell would be eradicated. Now, the reason you’re worried about smelling bad is because you need to smell good on the inside to smell good on the outside, so to solve that issue, meditation and motivational quote posters are advised solutions. Next time you walk into your class you can now feel nauseated by the smell of Dove hand soap with a mix of Irish Spring body wash.

Photo by Audrey Farris ’25

Hello Benjamin, I’m having trouble controlling my body temperature while at school. Some of my classes are so hot, while others are freezing. How should I layer appropriately while keeping up with the latest fashions?
– Fashionista-to-Be

Dear Fashionista-to-Be,                                  Another example of the classic struggle of style vs. function, akin to the likes of good vs. evil, or possibly even Boxer vs. Briefs. Most would assume a perfect outfit would be full of name brands but this is not like the other winter outfits. Due to it being winter, you will need a proper pair of stylish sunglasses to provide your body with heat, and coolness. To match the sunglasses, a proper black, leather trench coat will do, as it will add an aura of mystery and suaveness to yourself while still protecting you from elements such as ice, water, and judgment. The final step to complete this trendy winter outfit would be to top it off with black leather pants, boots, and the ability to stop bullets while limboing really well. With your newly made winter outfit put together, you will be ready to take on cold weather, cold stares, and Hugo Weaving.

Hello Benjamin, There’s a girl I really like, but I’m worried she doesn’t know I exist. I followed her to her car one day after school, and I’ve been leaving secret admirer notes on her windshield every day since. Do you have any ideas for a dramatic reveal?
– Secret Admirer

Dear Secret Admirer,
Looks like we’ve got ourselves quite the ladies’ man over here! Sounds like you’re on the right track to winning her love. Every girl adores being followed online, meaning it translates to real life. Don’t get me started on how romantic it is to find what looks to be parking tickets attached to your car, only to find out they’re ominous compliments! For your dramatic reveal, you need to think outside the box. Or in this case, inside. The key to a girl’s heart is through her locked car. Imagine her surprise when you’re sitting in her car’s passenger seat ready to confess your undying love after she gets out of her 8th-period class.

Hello Benjamin, My boyfriend says he only wants to walk me to class if I give him a piggyback ride. I think it would be really hard to carry both him and my backpack to classes. I’ve tried to tell him that we should just walk next to each other normally and could even hold hands, but he just won’t listen to me. Should I suck it up and give him piggyback rides or stand my ground?
– Pick Up or Put Down

Photo by Audrey Farris ’25

Dear Pick Up or Put Down,
This clearly sounds like an issue about boundaries in a relationship. If you are not willing to give him alternate means of transportation to class, how would you be willing to take his hand in marriage? To remedy this, one option besides telling him to dump you would be to get help from a trusted adult. This trusted adult could be a parent, teacher, or even a school administrator and counselor. Adults are usually stronger than high schoolers, making them the right candidate to provide piggyback rides for your boyfriend. This trusted adult has most likely had their fair share of relationships so it only makes sense for them to fix yours. After all, you are but a kid, and the only people who can solve problems are those who have lived past two decades.

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