HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Solaiman Hassanin ‘23

In today’s society, few issues are more debated than the role of religion in each individuals’ life.
One noble preacher has taken the helm and shown his pride in religious and organizational integration: Hildred Archibald.

According to Archibald, a proud NRA member, the American gun movement is set to gain at least one new member: Jesus Christ himself.
In his latest sermon, Archibald claimed divine revelations. “I saw him myself, I saw our Lord and Savior; he appeared like a strong M4 Carbine, with sleek hair, muscular legs, and a thick neck to fill the horizon.

According to Archibald, Jesus has a message for American gun owners: they must stay vigilant while kicking back against demonic oppression and the stripping of their free rights with the power of a “robust Mossberg 500A1 pump-action shotgun.”

In his revelation, Archibald said the son of God came forward to place a target next to Archibald, and proceeded to unload an M3 submachine gun into the target, reportedly to “show his manliness” and “establish his love for America and its long history of gun ownership.”

After the sermon, many supporters were enthusiastic and energized. “I feel like my prayers have been answered; this is the reassurance that shows us that God is on our side,” said choir singer Ann Rufus. “Knowing Jesus is on the side of our right to bear arms just proves that Archibald is the holy leader this country needs.”

Archibald was praised for his confidence and natural “holiness.” Lifelong gun activist Nick Precious avowed the story was said with the confidence of a “ferocious M16 self-loading rifle.”

Unfortunately, Archibald flew out of town on his private plane immediately after the sermon, and was unavailable for comment. A source close to him said Archibald will be “taking a well-deserved rest … somewhere pricey, in the Bahamas, or Fiji, you know.”

When pressed further, Wesley Chantus, head of Archibald’s charity, grew irate with skeptics. “He works hard and he’s a man of God! What other proof is needed?”

For now, the intellectual debate will be reserved for Twitter, and all claims that the NRA is funding Archibald’s upcoming presidential campaign are entirely unfounded.