HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

What the ‘Girlboss Empire’ Means for American Men

When President Joseph Biden abruptly resigned, the world was stunned and saddened, then fearful, as once-vice president Kamala Harris immediately took command of the White House and declared her dictatorship over her newly-christened “Girlboss Empire.” White House staff could only watch in awe and horror as in a matter of weeks, Harris fired every cishet male in the building, replacing all of them with her cabinet of “girls, gays, and theys.”

But what does Harris’ new administration hold in store for American men? At her press conference Saturday, President Harris announced the signing of all-new legislation, saying that it was “for the good of the country.” Men are now required to carry ID at all times, and a countrywide curfew has been enacted, meaning that all men must be inside before ten at night to allow everyone else to enjoy their evening. In schools, boys will be required to wear belts that hold up their pants completely, and are no longer allowed to wear tank tops to avoid distracting their peers. Harris ended her press conference in leading Americans in chanting the new national anthem: “Gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss.”

Salem Witch Cancelling

In Massachusetts, a new trend has risen from the grave. After a local microcelebrity was caught saying a racial slur, hundreds of teens descended on the area to reenact a live Salem witch trial, culminating in the offending TikToker being burned at the stake.

From trending to cancelled, the rise and fall of TikTokers can be brutal. For even the smallest mishap, even the biggest influencer might find themselves minus hundreds of thousands of followers, subject to being doxxed and harassed in all manner of ways. However, in just a matter of a few weeks, all this has changed as more and more people decide to solve their problems the old-fashioned way. “There’s no second chances,” one anonymous source told CNN, gesturing to the limp body of a Danganronpa cosplayer behind them, currently being tied to a stake.

The movement has begun to spread to Twitter, and a large majority of the online population has voted that Chris Pratt be the next to go.

Vampirephobia Shuts Down Olney Restaurant

When Little Joe’s Pizza Place opened ten minutes away from Sherwood, it seemed like a dream come true for the crowds of people who swarmed there every lunch and dinner session. But after just three weeks of being open, the restaurant is being closed after mobs of angry vampires boycotted the building, waving signs and hurling insults at the patrons. “Green Salad Not Garlic” one sign read. Another, waved by a trench-coat clad bloodsucker, read Italian Food Is Exclusionist.

“We reserve the right to suck the blood of any and all innocent Marylanders,” vampire Bram Staker fumed, holding out a petition that asked for signatures to have the restaurant shut down. “Having a restaurant in operation that not only serves garlic as a primary menu proponent, but has an actual cross above the door is sick and vampirephobic.”

The crying owner was escorted from the premises to speak at his court hearing, scheduled for Tuesday. “Mamma mia,” he lamented amidst a hail of cursing and general antipathy directed his way. “I’m converting from Catholicism.”

Sherwood Changes Dress Code: Thanks, Euphoria

When the new season of Euphoria, an HBO show centering around the lives of several teenagers as they each interact in their own coming-of-age arcs, came out, no one was more surprised than the Sherwood teenagers when the school administration announced the new dress code regulations, lifted directly from the Euphoria costume designer’s handbook.
No student will show less than six inches of skin at all times, even male students–crop tops and ripped tanks are not only expected but required, as are bodycon lace-up dresses and six-inch stiletto heels.
“I think it’s great,” one senior said, showing off her official Jean Paul Gaultier shirt and her Zena Bayne choker and harness, modeled after one of the main characters of the show. “Like, our principal is such an icon for this.” New regulations have also been added to the teacher handbook in accordance. Teachers are being phased out of their classrooms so that they won’t interfere with students who are doing … recreational activities.