HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This section is intended as satire and uses the tools of exaggeration, irony, or ridicule in the context of politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Aviv Klayman ‘24

Year after year, millions of people make resolutions in January to kick off a new start–from going to the gym daily or creating a futuristic dictatorship. And year after year, millions give up on these promises. Why? Simple. A lack of commitment. Here are three methods to help you keep your resolutions–no commitment needed.

One way to keep your resolutions is simply by suspending your body in animation. How can you break your resolution if you can’t even do anything? There are many ways to thoroughly freeze your body, the most obvious being ice or liquid nitrogen. Remember that Seth Rogen movie where the great-grandfather is preserved in pickle brine for 100 years? What’s stopping you from doing the same? Cost-wise, you can find ice anywhere on Earth, and you can buy a tub of pickles, with the brine, for around $65 on Amazon.

However, if you’re too wuss to do the old-fashioned methods, you can go with the far safer and more high-tech route of freezing yourself in carbonite, Han Solo-style. While some may be wary of these extreme methods, if you’re not willing to put your life on the line to keep a resolution, then what are you even doing?

Another “safer” method is simply time-traveling to a future where your resolution has been kept. Take Back to the Future for example, with the time-traveling Marty McFly. Just get your hands on a DeLorean, which are going for the low, low price of $500,000. Every great resolution has an equally great price. But if you’re unwilling to shell out for a DeLorean, there are plenty of other devices to travel through time. Just get yourself a TARDIS, or use the Enterprise to slingshot yourself around the sun. Time travel is easy and effective: it’ll be a cinch to keep your resolution this way!

One final method is simply brainwashing yourself. There’s the traditional way: propping your eyes open as a repeating loop drills information into your brain. Or watching as a black-and-white vortex drains all your free will, forcing you to complete your resolution. There are enormous amounts of evidence proving brainwashing works–just ask HYDRA (or Obi-Wan Kenobi.)

It’s only been three weeks into the year–no one is going to judge you for starting another resolution so late. Only airheads wouldn’t give a crack at these methods. What do you have to lose? Your life? Unlikely. Your dignity? Probably. But those things are minuscule in the lens of actually reaching the holy grail of fulfilling your resolution.