Not Exactly News: Homecoming Horrors

HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Ella Scher ‘23

Attendees of the Sherwood homecoming dance on October 23 were shocked and surprised when, at the climax of the evening, in a truly brilliant bit of planning, the Sherwood SGA released six live tigers into the crowd of student partygoers.

“The theme for the night was Welcome to the Zoo,” explained an SGA officer involved in the planning. “Naturally, just decorations weren’t going to cut it after an entire year and a half gone to Covid-19. We knew for this one that we would really have to go all out, so we decided to bring the zoo to the students.”

Upon their release, the jungle cats stalked the student body for some time, posing no threat, but as soon as the DJ queued up “Hit the Floor (feat. Pitbull),” the tigers did just that, immediately entering the pouncing position, primed to hunt. Chaos erupted as the tigers began to stalk the fringes of the group. However, two intrepid parent chaperones, amidst general screaming and pandemonium, managed to save the lives of many of the freshmen in a daring maneuver involving the photo booth stand and a leather alligator purse.

After 30 petrifying minutes from which many Sherwood students have claimed they will never recover, the SGA removed the tigers with minimal incident, allowing the dance to continue.
“In all, I think it was a really exciting dance,” one senior said. (It’s worth noting that he missed the whole thing, as he was, at the time of the tiger reveal, showing off his sick moves in the dance circle). “Yeah, really thematic, totally awesome…”

Two students, according to their own Instagram stories, have reportedly incurred life-threatening injuries, the medical costs for which the SGA had previously accounted for in their ‘hazard expenses’ section of the budget. If nothing else, they know how to plan forward.