HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Ella Scher ‘23

Breaking news: In an effort to bridge the gap between students and teachers,  Principal Timothy Britton has allowed a select group of students, representing the majority, to stage an event that will foster team unity among the entire school. However, this mistake may be fatal–in more ways than one. 

The students have voted, the motion has been carried, and the people have decided–for the first time in Sherwood history, teachers will be competing in deadly combat. The prize? A single Chipotle gift card, good for one burrito with purchase of an entree. 

“This is all very unprecedented,” fretted the president of the Board of Education. “Well, as long as the money comes from the teachers’ pockets and not from ours…”

He was summarily assured, and now it remains to Sherwood to stage this deadly tournament, 

“I’m really excited,” one junior confided. “I mean, after seventeen months of Covid, what’s better than a little gladiator-style entertainment? Especially with our teachers.” This year’s Hunger Games will be modeled after the current AP World Unit, the Roman Empire–more specifically, the Colosseum, where gladiators fought to the death for honor and glory. “Anyway, they won’t actually die, will they?,” wondered the junior. “Because that would be bad. No, but then we wouldn’t have homework. But still, a teacher might die.”

Leaving the yet undecided portion of the student body, the majority in favor have already drawn up the plans for the Colosseum and the entertainment featured, including bracket-style playoff sheets which can be filled out beforehand. Meanwhile, the arts clubs have turned their attention to metalwork, and are hard at work fashioning true-to-life replicas of Roman weapons, tainted with rust, bacteria, and even poison spikes. Finally, the sports teams have taken on the challenging task of training the tribute teachers for the battle. With two from each department, per grade level, there will be plenty fighting for the crown.

Among the many ‘gladiators’ who will be competing against one another, first in one-to-one combat to weed out the weaker competitors, and then in an all-out melee fight, there are some obvious picks for winner–and some surprising underdogs. So here’s the rundown–department VS. department!

The English team, all things considered, are not at all aesthetically equipped for battle, but the fiendish gleam in their eyes when one brings up the subject of literary analysis may well translate to an unmatched bloodlust on the battle–particularly if one considers the historical accuracy of the situation. Odds? 1 in 6.

The Social Studies department similarly may flourish in this environment, but their devotion to the textbook may be their downfall, their steps dogged by the lack of coffee. Red will flow–but probably from their pens, not their guts. Odds? 1 in 10. 

The Math department: sadists. ‘Nuff said. Odds are a strong 1 in 4. 

Arts courses have a fighting chance, as all those hours spent with brushes and pens may translate into a fine pila-wielding strategy, but their sympathy for weakness won’t earn them much on the battlefield. Odds: 1 in 5.

Electives: varies by class type, but generally too weak without coffee or constant motivation to keep going. Will probably start strong then flame out near the end, as so many of these classes often do. Odds: 1 in 7.

Phys ed: Sheer brawn may win them the game yet, but a united front put up by all other departments could stop them in their tracks. Unlikely, however. Odds: 1 in 2.

And finally, sciences: their sheer disregard for life or limb reads as a good prediction for deadly savagery on the battlefield. Plus, the evil-mad-scientist angle is always a good play for the crowd. And let’s not forget all those mysterious chemicals they keep in that back room…Odds: 1 in 3.