HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
Ella Scher ‘23
Vladimir Putin, two steps away from becoming the next Russian dictator, has announced his intent to resign next year; unresolved speculation claims that he may have Parkinson’s Disease. But let’s be real here. How likely is it that Vladimir Putin announced his resignation on the same day that Georgia and Pennsylvania switch from leaning red to leaning blue, cementing Biden’s win, and the popular Supernatural ship Destiel finally becomes canon?
Supernatural, the long-running television show (and when I say long-running, I mean it. At fifteen seasons, this show has been running as long as I’ve been alive. Yikes.) about two brothers investigating the paranormal has long been a source of hot debate as the writers drop ‘queerbaiting’ hints about the gay ship of Dean Winchester and Castiel the angel finally becoming an IRL happening.
It happened. In a scene that Supernatural fans have been waiting fifteen years to see, Castiel, played by Misha Collins, confesses his (sort-of) love to Dean Winchester (the outright homophobic Jensen Ackles) and then vanishes to gay hell, dubbed Superhell by the fans (forever? Who knows?). Dean never even bothered to reply. Nothing quite like romance. This, followed closely by Vladimir Putin’s momentous announcement, was just too big a coincidence to overlook.
“Vlad? Yeah, I know him,” ao3 user isimpforwinchesters said. “He was a huge anti-Destiel shipper. Huge. He hated it. His username–he deactivated, by the way–was ComradeWincest. So the news came as a real blow, you know?” A source close to Putin himself can also confirm that the revelation came as a crushing blow to the Russian president. “We could hear him screaming from ten rooms away. He was so angry. And his fingers? They were twitching. That was rage. Pure, unadulterated rage.” Confessing themselves to be a Destiel shipper, this source chose to remain fully anonymous for the present. We can understand that.
However, many people are unsure that Vladimir Putin will stay gone forever. The soon-to-be-ex-president’s extreme stress levels, undoubtedly due to the show’s long-awaited conclusion, may subside, as the last two episodes in the show’s fifteen year run air. Jensen Ackles is one of the people hoping that Putin will return. Playing Dean Winchester, he was adamantly against Destiel, and even in the episode, (which we shall now refer to forever as The Superhell Episode) never actually reciprocated Castiel’s affection. He just cried. In a really ‘look at me I’m so totally straight ha-ha’ kind of way.
Vladimir Putin’s bold move to resign was undoubtedly smart, and as long as Destiel perseveres, away he shall remain. Hopefully he’ll spring for a decade-long trip to a calm and relaxing health spa, where no one even so much as mentions television. Supernatural fans, crawl back into the hole from whence you came. Jensen Ackles and Misha Collins are finally canceled.