HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Steven Kelley ‘20

In lieu of seniors not having anything they’ve been working the past 12 years for, parents have been trying to find ways to make their miserable end of a school year just a little better. From parades of minivans to mobile “Graduation stations,” one of the awful trends has taken the cake. What else would a graduate want other than a blown up poster of their face posted in the front yard? 

My own mother did this, and it makes me feel like my last 12 years of work were actually worth it! Like the constant studying and late nights writing papers all amounted to this amazing ending. I hope that when strangers drive down my street and see my face plastered against the house, I like to think they say to themselves, “Wow, now that’s way better than walking and receiving a diploma like I did! Man I wish the pandemic came when I was graduating!” Forget a normal graduation, pandemic or not, I wouldn’t be surprised if these new over the top trends set a precedent for all future graduations! My parents always tell me that they don’t remember their graduation, so why should the current graduates have one at all? 

It’s not like we’re gonna remember this. As rough as this is on all of us, we should realize how fortunate we are to not have to sit through a graduation rehearsal, redoing basic tasks over and over because one person can’t listen or have to sit through a speech from some boring speaker that is more successful than any of us are gonna be. This quarantine is really a blessing in disguise! One day, we’re going to be able to tell our kids “well we didn’t get to graduate” whenever they complain. Now that bartering tool makes all of this worth it.