HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Nick Stonesifer ‘20
With the global COVID-19 pandemic dominating our lives and how we go about our daily affairs, I have taken it upon myself to remind us all that the warning signs were there and that one famous author called it, giving us a grim look into the dark tunnel ahead of us all. That prophetic author is none other than Jeff Kinney, creator of the famous “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” novels. Who knew that a children’s novel could provide such an accurate glimpse into the future, and all of the brutal social repercussions that came with it?
The infamous contact-induced virus that Kinney detailed in his prediction was none other than the “Cheese Touch.” I’ll give the reader a second to recover from any PTSD the aforementioned sentence may have induced … okay, you ready to proceed?
Kinney’s Cheese Touch, for those who missed out on a very important piece of literature, was first found in a very old and moldy piece of cheese found on a middle school basketball court. Any who made any physical contact with the cheese had been infected and ostracized by their peers. Students who had Cheese Touch were feared, and the only way to keep yourself safe was to keep distance.
Sadly, the kids who you didn’t like in the real world, including yours truly, brought this fantasy to life in schools across the country. Students began their own Cheese Touch, driving a deep divide between each other to protect themselves. And finally, when that one greasy kid put their filthy mitts on you, fire likely built up within you. You had become a carrier. Everyone had known it too, and now you had no friends to get you through those tough times. You sat in isolation as others looked at you in your Cheese-induced depression.
What we didn’t know about our childhood hazing ritual was that we were training for the global pandemic. Now that COVID-19 has wreaked havoc on the world as we know it, the parallels are clear to see. Except this time, none of us know who has this deadly Cheese Touch. For those of us who try to get out and walk, passing fellow pedestrians is a mission within itself. Eyes glazed with fear lock on to one another as people push for the farthest possible distance between them. Social distancing has become instinctual, and all of our old tricks to keep safe are coming back to us.
Some of these tricks may include: staring at any human within 20 feet of your person, holding your breath when walking past any individual, or screaming and running when somebody coughs.
In light of these trying times, we should ask ourselves how we didn’t see the warning signs Kinney gave us. The future was plain for us to see, and we blatantly ignored it. But that’s no matter. Stay safe everyone, and if you find yourself with this deadly Cheese Touch, please, do your darn best to refrain from passing it off to the kid who gave you when you were younger. Although revenge is a dish best served cold, maybe hold off until we see the light at then end of the tunnel.