HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Nick Stonesifer ’20

Recently at the Instagram headquarters, CEO Adam Mosseri announced they will be removing like counters from the platform. This comes at a time when likes and comments dictate the sole being of many people all around the world, so we come together today to finally forget about all of the “LMR” posts that we have been inundated with for the past years. 

With the removal of likes people all over the nation have gone into mourning. Losing one of the most prolific sources of dopamine, we’re left wondering how can we recover? What will we resort to? Counting out each and every notification? Begging for comments? Watching our friends like the post in person? All efforts are futile, the loss of these likes has left us defeated. So what now, how will we move on? 

Along with the announcement of removal, the company also introduced a new algorithm to the app. This algorithm comes as our supplement for likes and is meant to provide ample entertainment for its users. Users are now given a notification from the app that makes them break their gaze from their phones and look up at the world around them. 

Needless to say the algorithm has not been received well by test users. All reports from test users seem to show the users in a state of confusion once the notification appeared on screen, looking up at each other as they switched to other apps. 

Instagram has claimed that this move was made to support mental health, and keep people from obsessing over the amount of likes they receive. But as all of us know this will only project some addicts deeper. Users will begin chasing likes like never before. Picture it: someone whose entire life has revolved getting more than 1000 likes on every post having the rug swept out from under them. You hate to see it. Life has lost meaning, but it is not over. Instead, these people must begin a new chase. Instagram has suggested these users take up other hobbies like gardening or reading. 

The removal of likes could be seen as the end of an era for some, but we shouldn’t look at it like that. We should instead rejoice that life has become much easier. We now know that we can finally delete Instagram without guilt or shame because what’s left for us there? Comments? Oh, come on.