HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Drew Scott ‘20

As the school year marches into second quarter, an inevitable reality has settled on Sherwood. We still have to go to pep rallies. Now, I’m not saying that you CAN’T have school spirit or whatever. What I AM saying is that if you still have school spirit at this point, congrats, because you are very much a dying breed. In this era of postmodernism and general existential dread, today’s teen simply has no time to be concerned with things like pep rallies. 

Let’s say that you’re a student who has a job, needs to learn to drive, or is applying to college. Do you REALLY think that you have time to be excited? No, of course you don’t! You’re probably just going to be miserable until all of that stuff is sorted out, and then be miserable about something else. Or what about goth kids? Have you seen them? Those guys aren’t gonna be happy unless pep rallies introduce human sacrifice, and I’m pretty sure that isn’t gonna happen. Too much potential liability.

And we also can’t forget about the whole futility thing of it. Like yeah, we get out of class, but what does this have to do with preparing us for the future? When we have jobs as adults, are we going to have to go into business meetings led by the apathetic teens who run the pep rallies? I sure hope not. Also, what about activists? Anyone with a working brain knows how much time your average activist pours into things that actually make an impact on this godforsaken planet, and pep rallies take valuable protest time away from them. Activist students don’t care that two kids can eat donuts off of a football field in record time; they care about the environment, the rights of oppressed minorities, and gun control!

Basically what I’m trying to say is, maybe take some things into consideration when you see some kids looking morose on pep rally days. You don’t know how miserable everyone is, because you’re focused on how miserable you are! So take some time next pep rally to think about the suffering of your classmates, and compare it to yours. Maybe you’ll get why nobody wants to be there.