HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Nick Stonesifer ’20

Finding places in schools where you can feel safe can prove quite difficult. But if you’re truly in need of a safe space, look no further than the Sherwood bathrooms. The sacred stomping grounds for those trying to escape class, the bathrooms have always provided somewhere safe to avoid the tyranny of schoolwork.

Sherwood bathrooms, while at first glance may seem like an unorthodox place to feel safe, actually provide students with a place to hide from outside oppression they face in school. Feeling down? Go to the bathroom. Feeling extra lazy today? Go to the bathroom. Being bullied? Go to the bathroom. Just hope your tormentors don’t follow you in! 

Sherwood bathrooms allow students to build their own communities away from the supervision of adults, where students are able to de-stress. Whether it be combat sports training on the soap dispensers, learning the ins and outs of plumbing, or frequent use of their inhalers in the stalls the bathrooms, everyone is welcome! 

Let’s dissect these communities, and show how you can find comfort with any of these people. 

First we have the dojo masters. These individuals find their tranquility in the destruction of soap. From what we know, these students seem to believe that soap is an oppressive agent that inhibits a feeling of safety. So they train. They destroy any and all soap found in every bathroom, preventing its dirty influence on young teen minds. 

Next we have the future plumbers. These students find their safety in learning a new trade with fellow students. They teach themselves how to turn off the water line when students already have soap in their hands, learn just the right amount of toilet paper that’ll clog any toilet, and most importantly, learn that toilets are overrated and opt for other locations to do business. 

Lastly, the asthmatics. These students suffer from serious respiratory conditions that require an inhaler. Yet teachers frown upon inhaler use in class, so these students use the bathroom instead. Often times, these inhalers have fun flavors that prompt students to share with one another and create a healthy community amongst each other. But these students seem to face the most scrutiny; they have to hide from those who are bigoted towards asthmatics. To avoid this oppression they lurk in the stalls and crowd the urinals to avoid detection.   

But joining one of these communities takes courage. You have to commit. Once you decide to join you will face constant ridicule from those who don’t want you to feel safe. Adults who want nothing but to see you feel uncomfortable and cram you with useless knowledge will do everything in their power to bring you down. Don’t let them! Find your own safe space today!