HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Drew Scott ’20

With the success of Apple’s new product, a $999 stand for your Apple TV, one thing has been made crystal clear. People are really buying this crap. Apple higher ups have known this for a while now, but this time it’s been proven. “If people are willing to buy a $999 TV stand, then who knows what else we can sell?!” Said Apple executive Steven Stills.

And true to their word, Apple has begun to pump out a new line of useless garbage. Their first item is the iCup. Childish urine jokes aside, this cup is made out of plastic painted to look like sterling silver. In early demonstrations, filling the cup with hot or cold liquid shattered it. In order to use this $499 iCup, you’ll need to also buy the iCup Water that is only made to be drank from the iCup. When drank, it tastes strangely salty, and that’s because Apple harvests the water from the tears of the children forced to make their iPhones. Each 1 litre bottle costs $99.

Another product that Apple is coming out with is the iSpy. As an attempt to break into the home security market, the iSpy is a home surveillance system. The iSpy works quite well, but you need to input all of your personal info like your social security number, credit cards, IDs, social media, etc. “What the critics are saying isn’t true, there’s no way that what we’re doing is an invasion of user privacy, or data mining.” Said Stills. When asked why he crossed both of his fingers while saying that, he had no comment. The iSpy costs a whopping $9,999 dollars.

Apple’s new products seem somewhat fishy, but God knows that someone’s gonna waste money on it.