HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

by Lauren Hesse ‘19

In a groundbreaking new study, two Harvard scientists have concluded that getting a vaccine, of any type, causes serious neurological side effects if the person receiving the vaccine—or his or her parents—is convinced of the dangers. During the experiment, five people were given the measles, mumps, and rubella (MMR) vaccine. After receiving the injection every single patient who previously stated they were convinced vaccines caused adverse reactions reported severe side effects.
Amanda Johnson, a 21-year-old college student, reported feeling dizzy and lightheaded after fainting from the pain of the shot. When she attempted to stand afterwards, she immediately fell. To this day, she cannot walk forwards without her legs spasming. Yet, she can run forwards and walk backwards with no issues. Coincidence? The researchers think not.

“What actually happened is that the sheer number of antibodies that her body released in the moments following the injection started to cause the neurons controlling voluntary forward muscle movement in the frontal cortex to degenerate rapidly in a matter of minutes,” explained Dr. John Smith, a professor of linguistics and comparative literature who first began studying vaccines after discussions with his sister-in-law, a mother of five in Spokane, Washington. “My colleagues who are neurologists tell me that this is absurd, but how else do you explain such a drastic change? I think they just won’t admit that vaccine companies own them.”

“In addition, the thimerosal, which is a preservative derived using mercury, that was probably in the shot because the government never enforced the order to take it out, caused muscle weakness and the dizziness she felt,” added Dr. Aaron Wright, Smith’s research partner, a professor of information technology and an avid Facebook user.

Physical ailments are not the only reported side effects. Two of the five patients reported diminished mental capacity.

“I took an internet IQ test before I came and got this shot and my score was a 135—I mean I was Mensa level,” recounted Jack Austin, an MIT graduate and chemical engineer. “But afterwards, my score dropped to 110 on another test. I’m now average! Just average!”

Based on these findings, the scientists believe anyone who is scared of getting a vaccine should not get one.