HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Liam Kennedy ‘19

Are you sick of stumbling into the bathroom at 7 in the morning, where you promptly bang your head on the cabinet and stub your toe on the doorframe? Do you constantly sleep through your alarm and wake up to your parents aggressively shaking you? Do you loathe MCPS with every fiber of your struggling being for forcing you to wake up at ungodly hours in the morning to go to—school—a place that, let’s face it, is just a less comfortable to place to fall back asleep?
You are not alone. The average high schooler attends school 50 days a year. That’s 50 whimsical dreams interrupted by blaring alarms and parents screaming to “get your gluteus maximus downstairs.” That’s 50 days getting screamed at by a first period teacher who’s had more coffee than you and is wondering why you’re asleep at your desk instead of trying to find meaning in meaningless text.
Feeling that all too familiar dread in the pit of your stomach, just from hearing this? Fear not! Here are some foolproof excuses for being late to school that are sure to guarantee you the beauty sleep you need.
Of course, there’s the classic: My dog ate a single shoe from every pair of shoes I own. Or, if you want to get creative: My alarm got sucked into a black hole and it interrupted the space-time continuum, skipping me forward three hours and causing me to wake up late. Or, hey, honesty is always a good policy: I had a nightmare that if I got up, I’d have to go to school…oh.
But we can do better than that. These ones are sure to get you excused: I was hanging out with friends last night, had one too many Capri-suns, blacked out, and woke up in a bathtub without a kidney. Or, if you’re not hardcore enough for that, shift the blame to someone else: My mom didn’t wake me up on time or make my lunch. That shows that it’s obviously out of your control, and your teacher would understand.
It’s not that hard to craft a good excuse. The fact that all of your teachers were indeed born yesterday makes this even easier. All you need to fool them is a little creativity to make up for your utter lack of accountability. It’s not rocket science, just chemistry, or maybe biology—who knows, you sleep through that class anyways. So get thinking—time won’t waste itself.