HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Noah Corman ‘19
For those who remember, the former overlord of the Humor section, Jared Schwartz, predicted that this year’s Humor section would tragically fall apart without his genius after he graduated last spring. As one of the few survivors of this lowly, shabby section, I can confirm that he was right.
For far too long, the Humor section has had to bear the weight of being the only interesting section in the newspaper. In the great words of Schwartz, “only nerds actually read the news.”
Sadly, the pressure has finally caught up with the once-mighty newspaper staff. This downfall may collapse the entire section, dragging school spirit down with it.
“If the Humor section disappears, I’m leaving Sherwood to pursue my dream of becoming a famous Instagram influencer,” said music teacher Michael Maddox, distraught by this news. “If there’s no humor, then where’s the excellence?”
Seniors Nathan Lampshire and Russell Irons, along with yours truly, have been the main writers holding this section together out of love for our five loyal readers. Our tireless efforts to elicit even just a nose exhale from our readers is taking its toll on us though. We tried to delegate some responsibility to the inept juniors, but they are further annihilating our reputation as the greatest publication ever.
“I feel like the Humor section has lost some of its charm, especially with making up job titles and names for quotes,” said part-time clown John Johnson.
Newspaper advisor Peter Huck can sense something is amiss too. Despite lowering his standards to keep everyone’s favorite section in circulation, its quality has dropped to an unacceptable level.
“I’ve tried to give Noah and everyone else the benefit of the doubt,” said Huck. “But their articles make me sad. Just as my idol Principal William Gregory retired due to humor’s disappointing output, I might have to retire early as well. I can’t live in shame like this anymore.”
As the next class rises to power, surely, with their 2020 vision, they too will see that the end is near. No one is willing to sit down and read more than a few words at a time anymore. Besides, most people lack the patience and intelligence to understand the various layers of wit and social commentary underlying every Warrior humor article.
In an emergency effort to save the paper, Huck has started rationing overused jokes to stem the bleeding. “I think the Huckster is onto something there,” said crossword expert junior Adam Levine.
“There’s only a certain amount of communist jokes we can publish before they get stale. If that’s how he feels, then Soviet.”
By 2050, scientists are predicting that the Humor section will be entirely underwater with parts of Features and Sports in danger as well.
The underfunded, underappreciated Warrior newspaper will be looking to cut some sections next year to combat this crisis. Time has almost certainly run out for the Humor section. So, with perhaps the last published words of this section, I will shamelessly promote the www.thewarrioronline.com. The Humor section likely will be relegated there when Huck acts on the burning shame that haunts his every waking hour.
“The ideas just keep getting worse. Only out of desperation did I even let this article go to print,” said Huck.