HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.
by Russell Irons ‘19
Ever since its release in 2015, the Juul has enraptured today’s youth much to the ire of their elders. Its main draws are its sleek look and compact size, but there are several issues that can not be overlooked. Luckily, there is a competitor who offers a product that excels where Juul falls short. Smokes are a new up-and-coming product that is sure to revolutionize the lives of people everywhere.
Who wants the hassle of constantly buying or filling a pod with expensive liquid? The smoke is a single use item, and all you need to get it going is some good old fire! A Juul can malfunction or break; smokes can not.
Tired of killing animals through discarded plastic? Smokes are biodegradable, so when you’re done, you can just toss the leftovers. With an eco friendly fiberglass filter and no animal products, smokes are perfect for vegans and animal lovers too. Tobacco is a natural product that grows from the Earth.
Are you patriotic? When you purchase a Juul, you are buying a factory-made Chinese product. Alternatively, smokes are made with paper and tobacco cultivated in Virginia and North Carolina by American farmers. Get in touch with your questionable Native American heritage, as they started smoking tobacco hundreds of years ago.
Smokes can even benefit your health and personal hygiene. They are a convenient fix to bad breath or body odor; just light one up and the smell will permeate everywhere. If you have the munchies but don’t want to pack in more calories, smokes act as appetite suppressants.
All the cool celebrities use them, like Chris Brown and Lady Gaga. People that use smokes even get exclusive areas to congregate and network with each other. Smokes are the next big thing, so get hip or get lost.