HUMOR DISCLAIMER: This article is intended as satire and uses the tools of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule in the context of contemporary politics, current trends, recent school events, and other topical issues.

Noah Corman ‘19

As the clock struck midnight on December 31, junior Quentin Roberts vowed to bring an end to his procrastinating ways. Sadly, he never got around to it.

Roberts claimed that his desire to reinvent himself started well before New Year’s. As he routinely turned in hastily copied or incomplete assignments, he had a suspicion that there might be room for improvement. “It was pretty obvious my work habits were becoming problematic,” said Roberts. “It’s like I have a sixth sense for avoiding responsibility.”

After his first quarter report card yielded a 2.57 GPA, he knew his parents would ground him if he did not pull himself together soon. “It’s a good thing New Year’s was right around the corner,” said John Roberts, Quentin’s father. “Otherwise, who knows when he would’ve had another opportunity to change himself.”

Roberts was intent on forming study groups and going to the library for a more productive work environment. However, hours of homework-stalling meditation led him to believe that time is just a social construct, so deadlines are relative. His teachers did not buy it.

“Believe me, I’ve seen it all,” said Tim Hart, Roberts’ Geometry teacher. “Kids have lied about having three dentist appointments in a week, worn homemade casts for months, and even faked blindness just to get out of doing work. But this could be a new low. Questioning the validity of time itself? Really?”

Then, Roberts resorted to more fraudulent efforts to finish his homework. He looked for answer keys on the Internet but did not feel up to checking past the first page of Google’s results. Instead of reading his book for English class, he was going to use SparkNotes to catch up, but the summaries were too long.

One day, however, the stars aligned, and Roberts was able to sit down and complete his two assigned math problems. “It felt so weird to wake up in the morning with even just part of my homework finished,” said Roberts. “I felt so empowered, like I had transcended my mortal form and become one with the universe.”

Only a couple days later, however, Roberts relapsed. Despite what appears to be a failure, not all is lost. He asserts that this served as an excellent learning experience. Although he returned to regularly neglecting school work, he realized that self-improvement is overrated.

“It was like I stepped onto a different planet for a little while there, but it’s good to be back where I belong,” said Roberts, pretending not to notice his backpack. “Besides, 2019 is already off to a bad start. 2020 will be my year for sure though.”