Montgomery County Looks to Avoid Disaster

by Noah Corman ‘19

 With summer fast approaching, students look forward to weeks of carefree fun and make little effort to remember what they learned in school. But are they forgetting anything important?

 The Montgomery County Board of Education says yes. Due to how easy it is to avoid anything with educational value, students are at a higher risk to forget everything.

  “Back in my day, we didn’t even have summer. Or weekends. We’d have to fend off grizzly bears just to get from class to class. These kids need to get off their Snapgram and Instaface or whatever and read a book,” said board member Henry “Old Man” Jenkins.

 Academic performance has in fact been trending down. In recent years, students have reportedly forgotten how to read and write on the first day of school.

 “Last year, I remember bringing bread to the first day of school and leaving my backpack in the toaster,” said George Flynn, a junior at Wootton.

 In an attempt to alleviate some of the back-to-school struggles, Magruder has considered cash incentives for reading books to help students maintain some level of intellect. Reactions have been mixed. Many students voiced their concern that books are only for old people and nerds.

 “You couldn’t even pay me to read. Books are so stupid, like, when would reading ever be applicable to the real world?” said Sydney Price, a sophomore and self-proclaimed Fortnite legend at Magruder.

 Studies show that phones may be contributing to the problem. Phones leave the user’s brain out of shape, lowering their cognitive abilities to dangerous levels. “Frankly, I’m surprised these kids are even alive,” said Edward Clark, Head of Sociology at Princeton, after visiting Blake. “I saw a kid gasping for air because he forgot how to breathe.”

 Even the high-performing schools are implementing precautionary measures for the student body. To combat the forecasted loss of knowledge, they will be the first Montgomery County school to ever add “below-level” classes.

 The student body favors this proposal, saying it is more inclusive and gives people more options for their schedule. There will be no more instances of students being pushed into classes that are too accelerated for them. Not surprisingly, these student-led classes with optional attendance have gained a lot of support.

 “I heard there’s no graded assignments, and you get an ‘A’ just for showing up. Sounds pretty dope if you ask me,” said Brandon West, freshman at Wheaton.

 The Board of Education will vote on these proposed ideas next month and will likely approve them all. The Board members are outspoken about the dire situation of Montgomery County’s students. “These kids need help,” said Emily Rice of the Board of Education.