Humor: Students Form Hall Pass Black Market

by Noah Corman ‘19

Sherwood’s administration is under scrutiny for its lack of attention given to important school issues. Of late, the school has focused its attention on misplaced and stolen hall passes while other school matter, such as academics, have taken a back seat.

“My AP World class has a long-term substitute, and we’re worried we won’t be learning enough to be prepared for the exam in May. We set up a meeting with administration, but it ended abruptly when they had to chase down someone with a fake hall pass,” said junior Jacob Wilson.

Students are allegedly forging hall passes or stealing actual ones, allowing them to walk around the hallways all day without going to class. There are even rumors of students buying and selling them in a hall pass black market. The school leadership team is pledging to take another look at the hall pass policy and possibly launch an investigation.

“You can’t put a price tag on walking aimlessly through the halls, said one student, who prefers to remain anonymous. “With that being said, hall passes are selling for about five dollars, but that price may go up due to inflation, or something like that. I’m not too sure how it works. I’d pay attention in economics, but I don’t need to because I have a hall pass.”

Due to the widespread theft of hall passes throughout the school, many classrooms have found themselves without them. Teachers of double-period classes are concerned that their students have no passes for going to the bathroom, so they have to hold it in for almost two hours.

“It’s really starting to affect our productivity. Many of our students have to go so badly that they can’t focus in class or complete labs,” said one science teacher.

Security has now added two more members to its staff in an attempt to get to the bottom of the hall pass dilemma. In addition, Team members recently attended a workshop that trained them on how to identify counterfeit hall passes.

“Sometimes I feel like they’re just not getting around to the more important school problems,” complained a teacher about the school’s handling of certain affairs. “My department needs more funding to avoid laying off teachers or dropping courses, and the administration has no funding left for us. They said they spent it all on investigators and replacing stolen hall passes.

The administration has scheduled an emergency professional day to discuss changes to the policy. Absences and tardies have increased by 200 percent, and the administration feels they need to address this as soon as possible.

“The logical next step is to just get rid of hallways. I haven’t really considered the logistics of such a plan, but you can’t wander through the hallways if there are no hallways,” declared a member of the school leadership team who was not authorized to speak on the record.