by Natalie Murray ‘18

Senior Chad Fitzgerald has everything he wants in life—a good group of friends, a cute girlfriend, a really nice car, a varsity letter from being the captain of the lacrosse team—but he does not have a college acceptance letter. After 18 years of having a perfect life where everything goes his way, Fitzgerald is struggling to deal with being rejected from his dream college, University of Maryland.

“I’ve been cheated!” claimed Fitzgerald. “My parents paid over $100 per session for SAT prep classes, which I usually paid attention in. I even did a few practice questions on my own time!”

According to friends of Fitzgerald, his rejection has made him absolutely intolerable, especially to his friends that got into UMD.

“I’ve taken almost entirely AP and Honors classes, I studied for the SAT for weeks, I got good recommendations from teachers who know me well, and Chad has been all pissy with me because I got in and he didn’t!” exclaimed senior Matthew Olsen. “He said the only reason I got in was because my brother goes there, but maybe if he spent less time partying and more time studying, he would’ve gotten in, too.”

When asked about Olsen’s outburst, Fitzgerald defended his studying habits.

“I have all A’s and B’s in my classes and always have. Sure, I went A-A-C or A-B-C a few times when we had exams, but who hasn’t? It’s pointless to study for something as stupid as freshman exams when colleges pretty much only look at junior year grades. And in junior year I did try! I went A-B or B-A in every class, so I technically got all A’s!” Fitzgerald complaints.

Since his rejection, Fitzgerald has been cycling through four of the five stages of grief, and has still not come to the final stage: acceptance.

He continuously re-loaded his rejection email, hoping that he had hallucinated the rejection, before finally deleting his entire account and wiping the memory of his iMac pro. He then became destructively angry, burning his UMD merchandise and sending hate mail to admissions officers, berating them for ignoring such a “prime candidate.”

Additionally, his parents called UMD and attempted to persuade the admissions officers to accept their son—if he got in, they offered to pay an extra $5,000 for tuition. Much to the parents’ surprise, the admissions officer rejected them, too, leading to the entire family throwing a massive temper tantrum together.

The Fitzgerald family is now threatening to sue, claiming that classism and reverse racism influenced Chad’s rejection.

“There are far less deserving minority students that got in just because they add diversity. My Chad is clearly superior to them and should be accepted!” Mrs. Fitzgerald claimed.

The Warrior reached out to the University of Maryland admissions team and asked for comment. They said that the accusations are ridiculous and that they will present Fitzgerald’s full application in court, as they believe it provides adequate evidence that Fitzgerald was not rejected based on his wealth or race, but his appalling dishonesty. UMD was unable to offer more information, due to privacy issues, but Fitzgerald was.

“I’ve gotten in-school suspension a few times for vaping in the bathroom, but I didn’t put that on my application because everyone does it. I’m just the unlucky guy who got caught! And someone probably ratted me out for cheating on a few quizzes, but I’m the victim here because I had to pay my teachers to cover up for it and they didn’t even keep their promise!” ranted Fitzgerald. “It’s just so unfair that people are unable to look past a few tiny little mistakes that I’ve made; people are judging me way too hard and I don’t deserve that.”

Fitzgerald is in for a shock when an actual judge presides over his trial, which he thinks he’ll win because his parents paid for the best lawyer on the East Coast. UMD also feels confident because they believe Fitzgerald’s very presence will prove that he is a lazy, whiny, entitled brat.