by Josh Averbach ‘18

After a recent snowstorm, MCPS employee Rob Sanderson accidentally texted Jake Richards, a controversial right-wing commentator who he had been friends with decades ago, a message detailing his hatred of snowflakes.

To Sanderson’s surprise, Richards replied enthusiastically. “Bro, tell me about it. I just had to cancel an event last week at West Texas College because snowflakes covered the stage. If there are so many snowflakes that far south, I can’t imagine the how bad you have it up north.”

The two texted for a few hours after that exchange, bonding over a mutual hatred of “snowflakes.” During the conversation, neither of them realized that they had two very different definitions of the word; while Richards thought it was a tad bit extreme that Sanderson planned to “pour salt on” his dreaded liberal protesters and “attack them with shovels,” he assumed it was just part of his new friend’s odd sense of humor and fighting spirit.

After a meeting between MCPS Superintendent Jack Smith, SMOB Matt Post, and far-right figureheads Milo Yiannopoulos and Richard Spencer, MCPS has announced that they have created a “Snowflake Combat Council.” The council’s official purpose is to “prevent snowflakes from destroying Montgomery County the way they have destroyed the rest of America.” The body is scheduled to hold its official opening ceremony next week.

According to a leaked document, the opening ceremony has a jam-packed schedule. Its attendees will spit on the grave of Felix Bernard, the guy who wrote “Winter Wonderland”; drag race down Rockville Pike in snowplows; and hold a ritual to summon the Egyptian sun god Ra organized by MCPS’s Office of Greco-Roman, Pagan, and Egyptian Deities Outreach and Communication (OGRPEDOC). The event has a strict dress code; attendees are not allowed to wear inside-out or backwards pajamas. Richards says he likes how MCPS has “really gone above and beyond in helping turn a form of frozen precipitation into a metaphor for everything wrong with America in 2018.”

“Honestly, it’s gonna be insanely weird. A bunch of rightwing nut jobs are gonna walk into MCPS headquarters and realize that a public school system in one of the country’s bluest and most diverse areas is not, in fact, an ally of the far-right,” said an MCPS employee who criticized her colleague’s reading comprehension skills. “With all this hoopla, I think the most rational thing to do is to just cancel school for the next week or so,” she said.