Administration Hires Bounty Hunters To Stop Students from Skipping School

by Josh Averbach ‘18

In a few months, the seniors will participate in a phenomenon known as “Senior Skip Day.” As one can tell by the name, Senior Skip Day is a tradition in which the seniors collectively decide to skip school together. But this year, the tradition may be in danger.

In an effort to curb the despicable behavior associated with April’s Senior Skip Day, Sherwood’s administration has commissioned a small team of elite bounty hunters in order to make sure that seniors’ attendance does not drop.

“The students who participate in ‘Senior Skip Day’ are nothing short of a plague on our school and our society as a whole. I think it is absolutely a good thing that the administration has taken this important and long-overdue step to reel in juvenile delinquents,” said teacher Lynnette Evans.

The bounty hunters constitute one of the best-trained and most experienced fighting forces on the entire planet. Among them are five former Navy SEALS, a leading child psychologist, two former CIA agents, and a martial arts legend.

“Sure, I was pretty heavily involved in the raid that took out Osama Bin Laden. But when I look back on my life and my career, I really don’t think that I’ve made much of a difference in the world, or accomplished much of anything in the military. I joined this elite unit to not only become a decorated soldier, but also to truly become a force for good,” said Navy SEAL-turned-bounty hunter Edward “The Assassin” Jenkins.

The administration has also created a comprehensive penal code to deal with the students who the bounty hunters track down. The severity of the punishments will depend on the student’s history (or lack thereof) of mischief-making. For first-time offenders, bounty hunters will yell in the delinquent’s faces while making them do push-ups in public settings. For repeat offenders, however, the punishment is much more severe: the guilty parties will be condemned to a one-day suspension from school.

“This really ought to teach those misbehaving kids a lesson. Not allowing them to attend school will show them just how awful of a behavior skipping school is” said Evans.

Reception to this plan has not been entirely positive. Some worry that assembling a small army might not be the most intelligent allocation of money, particularly given the school system’s history of budget problems. Criticism has also come from Sherwood’s security guards, who do not welcome the outside competition from another group dedicated to enforcing the school’s rules.

“This is absolutely ridiculous. We need more textbooks and computers, extracurriculars are often severely underfunded, and our water may or may not be unsafe to drink. Yet, we decide to decide to spend our extra money on this? Just why?” exclaimed teacher Scott Allen.