by Jonathan Chang ‘17

Hillary Clinton: Even with therapy, Clinton has struggled to get over one of the most shocking upsets in presidential election his- tory. After spending days eating ice cream and watching sitcoms, Clinton nally pulled herself to- gether to speak at the Children’s Defense Fund gala. She then promptly returned to watching re- runs of “West Wing” and hasn’t been seen since.

Donald Trump: As Trump prepares for his ascension to the presidency, it is clear he is begin- ning to see the importance of his actions. He must now unite a di- vided America, name his cabinet, and implement his policy among many other issues facing the na- tion. Still, he is nding time to use Twitter to tell the American people about the discourteous “Hamilton” cast.

Polls: After the recent pres- idential election, many pollsters were left dumbfounded and shocked by how they could get the results so wrong. One theory for the failure is the fact that sur- vey response rates have been de- clining in recent years, affecting polls.

“It might be that, it doesn’t really help our predictions when few people respond to the sur- veys. For example, only one in- 2people actually responded to our questions when we surveyed Wisconsin, and the rest just told us to die as their response,” said Michael Stanton, a researcher at Gallup Poll.

Mass Migration: Many Americans are now moving to

Canada in droves as they fear a Trump presidency. The Canadi- an Mounties have now doubled their efforts in order to curb these illegal immigrants. The problem has worsened to the point that the Canadian government is now positioning Canadians around the border to politely dissuade Amer- icans from coming over.

Barack Obama: After re- alizing that Trump’s goal is dis- mantling most, if not all, of his programs, Obama could be seen wandering listlessly throughout the White House sighing and mumbling, “He won.” He has also been sighted in his bedroom, sighing and sobbing while being comforted by the person closest to him, Joe Biden.

Supreme Court: A few of the liberal leaning members of the Supreme Court are preparing for a Trump presidency and the possibility that if any of them die or retire, Trump will be able to appoint more justices who share his views.

“I’m not dying anytime soon. I am prepared to keep living and serving this nation for as long as possible,” said Justice Ruth Ginsberg, who revealed that she would be entering a robotic suit with built-in life-support to ex- tend her life and stave off death.

James Comey: Director of the FBI James Comey has not re- ported to his of ce in recent days. Of cials have stated that this is in light of a recent investigation into his safety after Comey awoke to a horse’s head in his bed with a message stating, “The email fall- out isn’t the worst thing you’ll see.”