By Natalie Murray ’18

How far would you go to pass the SAT, a major source of stress and anxiety for students everywhere? In order to do well, some students get a tutor, some take an SAT prep class, and others, like junior Lilith LaVey, sell their soul.

“I was watching Supernatural, like, a week before the SAT, and I was super stressed because I thought I’d fail,” said LaVey. “But the episode I was watching was about selling your soul, so I was like ‘I’m desperate, so why not try that?’”

The episode LaVey was watching was season 2, episode 8, “Crossroad Blues.” In the episode, people summon a crossroads demon to sell their soul in exchange for money, wealth, power, or health. In order to summon the crossroads demon, who serves as a “middle man” between Satan and the soon-to-be-soulless person, they bury a box containing graveyard dirt, a black cat bone, and a picture of themselves in the center of a crossroad.

“The hardest thing was definitely finding the materials that the show mentioned, because you have to go to the black market to get those. It’s not like Amazon sells cat bones,” said LaVey. After spending a copious eleven minutes and six seconds doing research, LaVey managed to find a “Satanic Rituals For Dummies” kit (only $6.66 on Etsy!), which included materials for dozens of rituals, including the one for summoning a crossroads demon. She borrowed her mom’s minivan and drove to a gravel crossroads, where she successfully summoned the demon.

“I found it a bit odd that she wanted to sell her soul for a perfect SAT score, which is something you can attain if you just work hard,” said the demon. “Back when I was a human, we actually studied for our tests. Youth these days are willing to turn to Lucifer for anything.” Although the demon was irritated at LaVey’s studying habits, he agreed to get her a 1600 on the SAT in return for her soul. LaVey claimed that initially, she had planned on getting a “good” score, but the demon told her that she had to “go big or go home.”

According to College and Career Advisor Joe Hock, this was her mistake. “The College and Career Center received word from the College Board that Ms. LaVey got a perfect SAT score, so we immediately began to stalk–I mean, monitor–her social media activity until we discovered that, at 1:58 A.M. on February 26, Ms. LaVey tweeted ‘just sold my soul to get a perfect SAT score, lol. #SatanRocks,’” said Mr. Hock, as he clutched a cross to his chest. “We even saw that Lucifer replied to her tweet with ‘thx 4 ur soul, c u l8er!!! (in hell) 😀 #IShouldBeGREATanNotSatan #hahaha’”

LaVey claims that she isn’t upset or worried that she was caught cheating, and thinks that if she was forced to retake it, she’d just get a perfect score again. However, she said she’d try to get in touch with the Devil to clarify the exact terms of her deal.

Satan himself was unavailable for comment, as he and his pet hell hound Snickerdoodle are on a vacation in Death Valley, where, according to Satan’s new Tumblr, @actuallysatan-666, he has a small cottage for him and Snickerdoodle to bake, sunbathe, and swim in the blood of their enemies.