By Steven Witkin ’16

The country has fixated for months on the close race for its next president, but Sherwood students have a race more exciting, more important, and just a few months away to focus on—SGA President 2016. Following the model of the national race, several candidates, including some eighth graders, have already declared their intent with lunchtime speeches. Three debates have been scheduled for assemblies during third and fourth quarter, with social studies teacher Christine McKeldin as moderator. The May election is right around the corner, and this year’s race is already certain to be dominated by unregulated campaign donations, sensationalism, and quite a bit of socialism. Here is a preview of the leading candidates and their platforms for the future of Sherwood.

Ethan Lavern

The country has fixated for months on the close race for its next president, but Sherwood students have a race more exciting, more important, and just a few months away to focus on—SGA President 2016. Following the model of the national race, several candidates, including some eighth graders, have already declared their intent with lunchtime speeches. Three debates have been scheduled for assemblies during third and fourth quarter, with social studies teacher Christine McKeldin as moderator. The May election is right around the corner, and this year’s race is already certain to be dominated by unregulated campaign donations, sensationalism, and quite a bit of socialism. Here is a preview of the leading candidates and their platforms for the future of Sherwood.

Miranda Jones

Jones, a freshman, started off her campaign with the bold promise of “Free high school for everybody by 2017.” This immediately attracted a good portion of Good Counsel students, and several freshman who don’t understand how taxes work. She has since broadened her appeal by emphasizing her complete lack of experience in student government, as well as her 4.0 GPA, which was last achieved second quarter of eighth grade. After a few questionable poll numbers in the first quarter, the Jones campaign released a plan to ban all GMO and non-organic foods served in the cafeteria, although the plan doesn’t mention what will be served instead.

Allen Lee

Lee, a sophomore, has been rallying the support of the senior class since day one with promises of subsidized college application and transcript fees. What he isn’t making public is that his plan would increase underclassmen class dues by 500 to 600 percent. He stands out as the only candidate who has offered to stop the corrupt way parking permit money goes almost entirely to athletics by making it absolutely illegal to park at school. Altogether, Lee has done an exceptional job of irritating almost every student in the school. He still stays confident in his run, and is excited for the debates, where he plans to, “make sure the conversation revolves around the least important topics.”

Noah Moore

The cousin of SGA legend Hunter Moore, Noah has expressed a claim to the position. However, the actual process of campaigning seems to be an issue, as he was recorded saying, “I never thought it would be this much work. Can’t I just be voted in already?” He has been able to stay relevant in the recent weeks by saying everything Ethan Lavern says, but in a slightly different way. Moore has gained some popularity by announcing a comprehensive plan to achieve the long-awaited goal of replacing the school’s water fountains with Kool-Aid fountains. However, voters are unsure whether he is fit for the job, as he ended his one and only campaign speech with, “thanks for the support, but if this president thing gets in the way of making varsity lacrosse this year, I’m out.”

Lincoln Chafee

Ever since he dropped out of the main race, the former Democratic candidate has been blazing a campaign trail aimed directly at Sandy Spring by repeatedly calling himself “a block of granite.”