By Will Van Gelder ‘16

Ever since the shellacking the Democratic Party received in this past year’s mid-term elections, President Barack Obama surprisingly has become the person with the most swag in the United States. Ever since his party lost the Senate majority, Obama seems to have said “Screw you,” to his opponents in Congress and proceeded to do whatever he wants. All of his actions have infuriated Republicans who, according to Republican National Committee chair Reince Preibus, expected the President to curl up into a fetal position and cry after the loss.

First, Obama allowed five million immigrants amnesty through an executive action, which led to a prompt reaction from furious Republican leaders. Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) was soon seen on Fox News sobbing and has been frequenting his favorite D.C. tanning salon in order to comfort himself and to make his orange hue more prominent and noticeable. Senator John McCain (R-AZ) has had numerous strokes mid-interview due to his rage over the executive action, and Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) has deported himself and his entire family back to Ottawa, Canada.

Obama further infuriated his opposition by normalizing relations with a tiny island 90 miles from the Florida coast. Opponents of the decision yelled about how Cuba is “comanist” and how the United States can’t associate itself with a country like that unless it’s in Asia and provides our citizens with technology. Obama laughed at these members of Congress and compared Cuba to his “beloved birth place” of Hawaii. He added that the island nation makes one heck of a cigar as the slack-jawed White House press corps looked on.

Soon after this, the President gave his yearly State of the Union Address while Boehner appeared to be distracted by a game of Words with Friends behind him. Soon after his speech, in which he said “These are my last two years so I’m gonna do what I want to do,” and “I’m the real MVP,” Congress threatened to shut down the government due to disagreements over the budget. The President then told them to “Take a chill pill.”

Despite that fact that the Democratic Party was defeated in its attempt to retain the Senate and take control of the House, President Obama is as confident as ever. He has confounded a brick wall of Republicans by speaking his mind and dismissing all of their ideas. President Obama has not become a “Lame duck.” He has instead become the nation’s “Commander in-swag.”